20 People Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is Definitely Not About

Taylor Swift picked up where Alanis Morrisette and Carly Simon left off, artfully crafting the new age post-relationship song. Between the catchy hook and the clandestine nature of the song’s target, everyone is talking about “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”.

(If you’re not familiar, the song is embedded at the end of this list.)

While 2010’s “Dear John” was an unmistakable (and thinly veiled) account of her brief relationship with John Mayer, her latest ultra-public journal entry is a bit more of a mystery.

Swift-ex Joe Jonas has denied being the subject of the song, while fellow former beau Taylor Lautner pleads innocence and Jake Gyllenhaal remains silent.

So who is Taylor never ever getting back together with? We decided to launch an investigation, and start with the process of elimination. Here are 20 people that Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is definitely NOT about:

Ted Mosby

While the identity of his kids’ mother remains shrouded, if Swift ever dated Ted and they broke up, she’d probably write a song about his middle name being Evelyn. Next!

Brett Favre

The NFL’s most notorious retirement flip-flopper obviously has commitment issues, but as we’ve all seen, you can never say never.

Alfred Pennyworth

Although she seems to dig older guys, she doesn’t seem like Alfred’s type. The breakup would be epic, though. If you love something, set it free, right? Alfred would let her down easy:

“You wouldn’t say anything to me, nor me to you. But we’d both know that you’d made it, that you were happy. I never wanted you to come back to Gotham.”

The Kool-Aid Man

If she dumped the Kool-Aid Man, he’d undoubtedly begin busting through the walls of her home periodically in an attempt to win her back. If the song had more of a ‘stop creating structural damage to my house’ feel to it, then maybe.

John Deere

Swift was raised in rural Pennsylvania and moved to Nashville in her teens, so there’s a certain familiarity with the king of tractors. “Dear John” was a hit, so why not go back to the well? Because he died 103 years before she was born. Next!

Dave Coulier

So cliché.

The Smoke Monster

Every girl goes through her “bad boy” phase, so Smokey could certainly be an ex-Swift suitor. Our guess is if they broke up, she wouldn’t want to anger him. Next!

The male cast of Friends

Could the song’s lyric ‘You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me’ be a clue? Probably not. We can rule out Joey, Chandler & Ross.

Howard Dean

Because after this, no one would date him.

Chris Jericho

While stealing his catch phrase (“never… EEEEEVER”) would be a real stake in a lovelorn ex’s heart, we think Taylor is above it. The Fozzy front man/erstwhile WWE Superstar can be eliminated from consideration.

Bossk

Taylor was raised too well to date a bounty hunter, right? “No Swift will ever date a Trandoshan!”- Swift’s dad, we assume.

George-Michael Bluth

Surely George-Michael is over his cousin Maeby by now, and frankly he never could have been with his teacher, Miss Barely. Too much baggage here, and that’s not even counting Egg.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders

Hot, but no chance. Next!

Dominick the Christmas Donkey

Safe to say this song is definitely not about Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey. Process of elimination, folks.

A bag of Munchos

Let’s say ol’ T-Swizzle had a soft spot for everyone’s favorite light-tasting potato crisp. Even if she swore off of them, it would be silly to give Munchos a lifetime ban, when she knows damn well she’s gonna want them again sometime.

A Walking Dead zombie

It seems the goal of this song is to really get under the skin of its subject. By now, Taylor must know that zombies don’t have feelings. A bullet through the head will do just fine.

The Most Interesting Man in the World

He doesn’t always break up with Taylor Swift, but when he does- she definitely doesn’t write a song about it.