The 5 Funniest Lines from New Girl “Table 34” Episode

by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

This week’s “Table 34” seemed like a cryptic episode title.


It didn’t seem to address the fallout after [SPOILER ALERT] Nick and Jess’ big kiss in the previous episode but surprisingly, the episode tackled it with the perfect combination of realism, the kind of “adorkiness” the show is known for, and its hilarious one-liners. In “Table 34”, Schmidt wasn’t the only one busting out punch lines.

With an episode set in an Indian marriage convention, you’re sure as hell to have a butt-load of mildly racist jokes with Schmidt’s “Get your crap together, India!” taking the cake.  But here are more tongue-in-cheek lines from “Table 34”, probably the funniest episode from the season so far:


1. Cece’s reaction to Jess’ news in the cold opening:

Jess: “Nick kissed me”
CeCe: “WHAAAAAAAAAA?” (theme music hits)

CeCe was so shocked, she forgot to add the ‘t’.


2. Jess reluctantly gives details:

Jess: “It was firm but tender. I saw through space and time for a moment, but that’s not the point.”

Yes Jess, the kiss was firm and tender and we all saw through space and time, but for us fans, it will be for more than a week.  I, for one, couldn’t erase that scene or even that screenshot from my head until now….but like you said Jess, it’s not the point.


3. Jess is on a roll here, just saying… (she describes Nick’s recent behavior)

Jess: “I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me.”


4. CeCe commenting on Schmidt’s choice of apparel:

CeCe: “You look like a character from The Love Guru.”
Schmidt: “Aw, thank you.”

Look at that face, that turban and the sherwani (yes, I had to look that up)…that’s no slumdog millionaire…


5. Schmidt, in full woo-mode:

Schmidt: “I’m a squirrel, you’re my nut. Winter’s coming and I’m going to store you in my cheek, girl.”

Schmitty can surely fit CeCe anywhere in his body, even in that turban of his.  So yes, it’s definitely “turban on”.

As always, there could be much more than five funny quotes from this episode but then, that would seem like reciting the episode’s entire script.


New episodes of New Girl air Tuesday nights at 9PM on Fox.


READ ALSO: New Girl’s Nick Miller is the 2012 Television Character of the Year


Michelle Yusi graduated with a degree in Dentistry but is a sucker for TV, film, music, sports, anything trending and anything trivial. When not treating patients, expect to see her in front of her smartphone or tablet, burrowing her head in an article or two.


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