It’s been a while since I’ve roamed the halls of UnderScoopFire High, but I’m feeling nostalgic so here we go. It’s a shame we had to cancel the school prom this year, the theme was “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”. I was gonna GET DOWN to some Gordon Lightfoot.
To say a lot has happened since the last time we talked would be like saying Dolly Parton and Betty White are real life angels on Earth (everyone knows already), so what could be SO important to rouse me from this creative hibernation? Rupert Holmes’ Escape (The Piña Colada Song), of course.
So while I mouth trample this bag of peanut butter-filled pretzels, come with me on a stroll down nonsense lane and pretend it’s 2014 again, when life was easy and this site was overwrought with stupid fever dream bullshit.
Everyone knows it. Released in 1979, the renaissance of Escape (The Piña Colada Song) began with the Chris Farley bar fight scene in Dirty Work, and has continued ever since, popping up in Guardians of the Galaxy, Deadpool 2, Better Call Saul, The Goldbergs, Bounty paper towel ads and more. I had always perceived the half-tanked “If you like Pina Coladas…” chorus as a fun romp through late 70s infidelity and casual substance abuse, but have you ever really listened to the lyrics? Even in 1979 the song’s “protagonist” is a total asshole, and that’s when babies smoked on airplanes and doctors prescribed grain-based ethyl alcohol for heartburn and sadness.
In the song, the main character has grown tired of his wife and is deeply offended by her presence in his life (in like, a totally cute and playful way). He responds to a personal ad from the newspaper which, unbeknownst to him, was placed by his wife, who it turns out is also bored and just as shitty a spouse (but can you blame her?). They end up blind-meeting at a bar in a Three’s Companian twist and share a laugh as they realize they were unknowingly pacing each other’s high-speed betrayal spiral. What a hoot! These two are a riot.
There’s something about this song that sends me off daydreaming every time I hear it. Maybe it’s because the song is story-driven, and that story is bonkers depressing- I’m not sure. But whatever it is, I always end up investing much more time and energy in dissecting its lyrics than anyone should. I have even fantasy cast a recklessly misguided movie adaptation of the single, with some scuzzy prick like Mel Gibson playing the Lifetime version of Piña Colada guy and a Katherine Heigl-type dopey shrew as the wife. Seriously, what if there was a movie about this? And more importantly- what if that movie had a post credits scene?
The song fades out with the implication that this wacky miscommunication will result in a renewed marital bliss. After they meet at O’Malley’s to “plan their escape”, they probably gleefully skip out of the bar, arm in arm, on their way to book a second honeymoon and twenty more years of rock solid nuptials, right? But if you have half a brain you know this yarn can’t be tied up that easily.
The story ends, the credits roll and moviegoers (remember going to movies?) start to file out, and that’s when it happens: the foolish and unnecessary manifestation of so many hours of pointless contemplation- the Piña Colada Song post-credits scene.
This thing can go one of a few different ways:
Expanding the Colada-verse
Man and wife, still hate-vibing in a corner booth at O’Malley’s, are paid a visit by a shadowy operative that claims he’s assembling a team. “Earth’s Mightiest Adulterers, as it were”, he appeals to the couple, hinting at the first steps toward a multi-franchise Piña Colada-verse. I know, everyone saw that coming. Post-credits scenes and Marvel references sort of go in the same breath. OK what about this one:
“If you like Piña Coladas… and getting caught in a trap”
As they prepare to exit the bar, the lights flicker and a steel contraption drops from the rafters, barricading the exit door. “I want to play a game”, mutters the gravelly, menacing voice over the bar’s speakers, setting up the early 80s-set Saw prequel no one predicted or wanted. That chilling Saw music starts to play and we fade to black as a young Jigsaw begins his first foray into murder-trap hijinks (love that journey for him).
Too dark right? What if:
Mr. & Mrs. Colada
Later that night, the reunited couple slow dances in front of the fireplace, still in awe of the highly unlikely and almost unbelievable turn of events that brought their spark back. Almost in sync, they begin having doubts about each other’s intentions and quickly grow skeptical about their respective counterpart. Their passion had cooled, they led unexciting lives, but it seemed too convenient. Suspicion overcomes them.
They spin way from each other and draw weapons, revealing their respective secret identities. Mr. and Mrs. Piña Colada coming soon and there’s no way anyone is still reading this, right?
The Colada at the End of this Book
Grover from Sesame Street appears and begins begging anyone still reading to stop at once. There is no reason to proceed. Do NOT turn the page. No good can come from it.
YOU TURNED THE PAGE! Grover is incensed. Why are you still reading this?? Wait, is Grover in the Piña Colada song post credits scene, asking why there is a Pina Colada post credits scene and begging the audience to cut their losses and abandon this insane concept altogether? Or is he directly addressing you, the reader, referring to this peanut butter-filled pretzel fueled keyboard shipwreck?
Honestly, I don’t even know at this point. Hey- this was fun! What are you doing next December? Stay safe out there, ‘Scoopers!
Howard Decker is sad man whose talent and charm is declining rapidly, but there are still new Lifetime Christmas movies premiering like every day this month so that’s nice.
