UnderScoopFire Royal Rumble… 2!

It’s back!

Before we start, if you haven’t seen the original UnderScoopFire Royal Rumble (let’s call it USF Rumble I) you must read it before proceeding! Read the post that distinguished blogger/podcaster eclectik called “the greatest UnderScoopFire feature ever”!

Last year, we took the WWE’s annual Royal Rumble concept and replaced the customary 30 pro wrestlers with 30 of our biggest childhood cartoon, comic book and movie icons.

This year we’ve removed the 80s restriction, but we’ll again fill the imaginary ring with 30 pop culture characters you’ll recognize. You’ll root for some, others you’ll boo. At the end, you’ll stand up, applaud and feverishly share this link on Facebook, Twitter or otherwise- or your money back.

Once again, thirty will enter, one will stand victorious.

It’s the UnderScoopFire Royal Rumble II.

*This post is best viewed in a browser where you can see the Hark embeds (the little audio ‘play’ buttons)

*If you do nothing else, I implore you to hit play on every audio & video embed in the post- it’ll make you feel like you’re there!

Joining Jim Ross at ringside is our special guest commentator Ron Burgundy.

Customarily, our evening is kicked off by Howard Finkel as he announces the beginning of the match. Burgundy has something to add:

The crowd waits to see who drew #1…

A chorus of boos rains down as the smarks let John Cena know they still don’t approve of his character. Cena sprints down the ramp, slides under the bottom rope, tosses a wristband into the seats and readies himself for entrant #2.

YABBA DABBA DOO!! It’s Fred Flintstone!

“BAH GAWD!! Fred Flintstone is #2!” cries a shocked Jim Ross, as Bedrock’s own scoots down the ramp with a score to settle.

Furious with Post’s decision to partner with WWE and replace Fred on the box he adorned for decades, Flintstone has revenge on his mind. He hits the ring and takes the fight straight to Cena, stomping him with his road-hardened feet.

Two minutes pass, and as the clock ticks down Fred has Cena on the ropes, attempting to score the match’s first elimination. Three..two..one.. BUZZ!

Ron Burgundy with the call:

It’s Thor! As the God of Thunder comes through the curtain, a referee tells him he is not allowed to bring any foreign objects to the ring. Obviously unaware that Thor himself is a foreign object, the ref attempts to confiscate Mjolnir, to which Thor gives the crowd a wink. He hands over the hammer, and as expected it drops to the ramp, nearly missing the ref’s toes.

Thor makes his way to the ring just as Cena avoids elimination. Cena flashes a “You Can’t See Me”. Thor is confused.

Thor spends the next two minutes attempting to ascertain what realm this is and what form of sorcery this colorful combatant is engaging in. The clock is ticking: three..two..one.. BUZZ!

It’s.. the Smoke Monster?

The stunned audience is once again confused by everything that relates to ABC’s Lost. Smokey pours through the curtain and down the ramp, circling the ring and then wafting up into the arena rafters. Cena, Flintstone and Thor, all thoroughly confused and terrified, continue the battle in the ring.

The Smoke Monster takes a grand tour of the arena, purposefully frightening everyone in attendance (mainly because they were afraid it was some sort of viral ABC marketing campaign signaling the return of Lost or an equally-confounding spinoff). Just as it descends upon the ring the next entrant’s music hits:

It’s Peter Venkman!

Before the ref can confiscate his gear, he turns his Neutrino Wand toward the Smoke Monster and confines the nasty apparition to the Proton Pack on his back. A relieved arena full of fans returns to their seats, supernatural crisis averted. Our momentary hero Venkman is quickly eliminated by Thor, who is genuinely confused by what he’s seen so far.

Entrant #6 is the Autobot Bumblebee (the VW bug, not the Camaro of course). Bumblebee and Thor engage while Fred continues to pummel Cena.

Ron Burgundy tries to sign off on behalf of the announcing team:

JR politely informs him that we are nowhere near the end of the event.

The next three participants (Magnum P.I., Sonic the Hedgehog & Kenny Powers) are physically no match for the foursome in the ring, and are each eliminated within moments of their entry.

The 10th participant in the match is Fraggle Rock’s Uncle Travelling Matt. Brave and resourceful, Matt continues his tour of the world with a stop at the Royal Rumble. He can’t wait to get back to “the Rock” to regale the Fraggles with tales of his adventures!

Three.. two.. one.. BUZZ!

Um, speaking of “The Rock“:

The capacity crowd is electrified as The People’s Champ makes his way down the ramp.

The Rock quickly eliminates Cena & Flintstone and grabs the mic:

The arena explodes.

The Great One hits Uncle Travelling Matt with a Rock Bottom and sets him up for a People’s Elbow. The Rock drills the hapless Fraggle with his signature move, tosses him over the top rope and proceeds to lock horns with Thor & Bumblebee.

Three.. two.. one.. BUZZ!

An entire wall of the arena explodes as the Kool-Aid Man bursts through!

“Oh yeah!!”

“OH MAH GAWD! It’s the KOOL-AID MAN!!” bellows a hoarse JR as a stunned crowd looks on in disbelief.

The Kool-Aid Man must have smelled what The Rock was cookin’ and thought it was dinner time. “Those kids need a beverage!” he undoubtedly thought.

The giant soft-drink filled man-pitcher never actually makes it to the ring, as he goes through the audience filling their cups with delicious red Kool-Aid (if you’re wondering, tonight’s flavor is Tropical Punch).

Thor, Bumblebee and The Rock continue to battle as the 13th entrant into the UnderScoopFire Royal Rumble is revealed.

Picture Pages? What the? Who’s this?

It’s Mortimer Ichabod Pen!

Time to get your crayons & your pencils, bitches!

The pen shoots down to the ring and leaps into The Rock’s hand. They’re in cahoots! The pen is on Team Bring It! Rock jams Mortimer Ichabod into Bumblebee’s eye (eww, gruesome?) and eliminates the Autobot. Thor is more confused than ever.

The match rages on.

Neo escapes the Matrix long enough to enter the ring at #14 (or is this happening in the Matrix?). He has a brief spot with The Rock where Rock asks him if “The One wants to go one on one with the Great One”- it was really confusing.

He is followed by The Flash and Raphael of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Will Raph try to pull a switcheroo like Leonardo did last year? Surely the ringside referee will keep a close eye on the situation.

Next into the match is the vile gangster Jabba The Hutt. Rumor has it he originally pulled #1 but cashed in some favors and leaned on some contacts to get #17 (a much more desirable entry point, but definitely not as nice as #30). Thor is visibly wearing down, probably more psychologically than physically.

“Just look at the variety of competitors in the ring right now,” notes JR, “we’ve got a turtle, a God, a superhero, a space gangster, a pen, “The One”, “The Great One”, and a pitcher full of drink that hasn’t even made it to the ring yet! How about that diversity, Ron?”

Burgundy responds:

Raphael and The Flash are taking the fight to Jabba in the corner, knowing they must work together to eliminate the larger entrants. Competitor #18 is UnderScoopFire’s go-to mercenary, the regeneratin’ degenerate, Deadpool. You didn’t think we’d lift the 80s restriction and not invite our favorite merc, did you?

Sorry Wade, no weapons allowed!

Deadpool goes to work on Flash & Raph, coming to the aid of Jabba- most likely as a paid henchman.

Burgundy calls the action:

“Dammit Ron, what match are you watching?” screams a frustrated Jim Ross. “There’s no goddamn squirrel in the ring!”

The ring is full of action as we approach #19. Three.. two.. one.. BUZZ!

Ultimate Warrior!

In typical fashion, Warrior bursts through the curtain and down the ramp at a full sprint. He circles the ring three times, slides under the bottom rope, slides back under the bottom rope on the other side of the ring, leaps the barrier, finds Kool-Aid Man in the crowd, lifts him over his head, drinks the entire pitcher of Kool-Aid, and passes out.

The crowd looks toward the TitanTron in anticipation of the next entry:

“It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights-

It’s time to meet the Muppets for the Muppet Show tonight!”

The second Jim Henson creation of the night comes through the curtain as Animal enters at #20.

“His berserker style is perfectly tailored to a controlled chaos-type environment like this!” analyzes JR.

Just then:

“Stone Cold! Stone Cold!” screams JR.

“The sound of the glass shattering can only mean one thing- business is about to pick… wait a minute.. that was.. that was actually the Kool-Aid Man falling down the ramp.” gasps a deflated JR.

Empty and dejected, the Kool-Aid man was rendered a hollow shell of a man by the comatose Ultimate Warrior. Apparently he was trying to make his way to the back when he slipped and fell. Rest in peace, Kool-Aid Man.*

*Fans will forever wonder if the Kool-Aid Man death was a work

Three.. two.. one.. BUZZ!

It’s the King of the Sea, Aquaman!

“Aquaman haters will be quick to point out that the Royal Rumble match is not held underwater,” quips JR, “but Aquaman’s body density is multiple times that of a regular human, so getting him over the top rope will be no easy task!”

“I’ve seen a trident like that somewhere before.” adds Burgundy.

The ring is quickly reaching capacity as we haven’t seen an elimination in a while. Three.. two.. one.. BUZZ!

Creepy organ music plays as Count Dracula himself parts the curtain.

“Good God, Ron”, stammers JR, “how in the Hell did Dracula get himself in the UnderScoopFire Royal Rumble? He’s gotta be the odds-on favorite at this point!”

All in-ring competitors are frozen in their tracks, staring up the ramp at the centuries-old vampire.

BOOM!

The signature WWE entrance pyro hits. The blast of bright light staggers the undead immortal, incapacitating him long enough for Mortimer Ichabod Pen to drive himself through Dracula’s heart. Turns out Mortimer Ichabod was also centuries old; a wooden stake retro-fitted to look & act as a pen- the perfect 20th century cover. Ichabod has been killing vampires for hundreds of years, and entered himself into the UnderScoopFire Royal Rumble for the sole purpose of eliminating Count Dracula.

“I genuinely did not see that one coming.” says Burgundy.

“I think Thor is just as disoriented as you, Ron!” replies JR.

Here comes #23:

“Well the world don’t move, to the beat of just one drum..”

The Diff’rent Strokes theme? What the?

It’s The Gooch!

The flagship sitcom bully of the 80s has entered the Royal Rumble match!

Often mentioned by other characters, The Gooch was never actually seen onscreen. In keeping with this tradition, there are no images of The Gooch at the UnderScoopFire Royal Rumble. What we can tell you: he was swiftly eliminated by Raphael, and it was brutal.

“That guy is a real dick whistle” adds Burgundy, senselessly piling on the eliminated bully.

A school bell rings and the music hits. Entering the match at #24 is Bayside’s own Zack Morris!

“Well this is certainly a nice novelty entry into this pop culture Royal Rumble,” notes JR, “but what kind of damage can a high school kid do in a match like this?”

“TIME OUT!”

Zack enacts his signature time-stopping move, as everyone in the arena is frozen in time. He enters the ring and starts dumping the other competitors over the top rope!

Morris eliminates Neo, The Flash, Raphael, Animal and Deadpool. After encountering difficulty trying to eliminate the heavier entrants, he stops to think.

Vince McMahon, watching from WWE Headquarters, patches himself into the arena via the loudspeaker (because obviously he can do that).

“TIME IN!” he growls.

“That escalated quickly” remarks Burgundy, predictably.

The clock resumes ticking and the crowd turns toward the curtain. Three.. two.. one.. BUZZ!

“Believe it or not, I’m walkin’ on air-

I never thought I could feel, so free-e-e!”

It’s the Greatest American Hero!

The crowd is equal parts excited and confused, as Ralph Hinkley flies through the curtain and toward the ring. After all these years, it appears Hinkley still hasn’t learned to control the suit, as his arms and legs flail about wildly.

Completely out of control, the Greatest American Hero slams into The Rock and Aquaman, who were perched atop the turnbuckle, close to elimination at the hands of Thor. Hinkley’s momentum takes all four men over the top rope to the ringside floor.

“MAH GAWD! That clumsy bastard eliminated ALL of ’em!” hollers JR.

Only Jabba the Hutt remains as the buzzer signals entrant #26. Roadblock, the lone G.I. Joe representative this year makes his way to the ring. He passes the freshly eliminated Rock on his way up the ramp, and they exchange a glance eerily similar to the moment Han Solo and Indiana Jones shared last year.

Roadblock battles Jabba the Hutt until the buzzer sounds for #27.

The fans eagerly watch the curtain but no one emerges. Just then, Ron Burgundy rises from the announce table and throws off his headset.

“MAH GAWD! It’s Burgundy! Ron Burgundy is the 27th entrant in the Royal Rumble!” bellows a harried Jim Ross.

The Anchorman and Roadblock work together for two minutes to try to eliminate Jabba. Three.. two.. one.. BUZZ!

“Stone Cold! Stone Cold! For real this time! Stone Cold!” Jim Ross passes out.

Stone Cold Steve Austin stomps to the ring as #28, one of the most desirable Royal Rumble numbers to pull. The Texas Rattlesnake wastes no time, as he begins passing out Stone Cold Stunners left and right (Jabba sold his Stunner surprisingly well).

Austin eliminates Jabba the Hutt, ducks a clothesline from Roadblock and flips the heavy machine gunner over the top rope as well. As Austin tosses an overmatched Ron Burgundy over the top rope, the crowd counts down: Three.. two.. one.. BUZZ!

Nothing.

Still nothing.

All eyes are focused on the curtain when a bright flash occurs halfway down the ramp..

It’s.. a DeLorean?

“Oh MAH GAWD!” yells JR, now alone at the announce table. “Marty McFly finally arrived at the right spot!”

If you recall, before last year’s USF Royal Rumble, McFly asked Doc to try to set a course that would drop him into the final moments of the Rumble, greatly increasing his chances of winning. Errantly, he ended up at the end of a different Royal Rumble, and had been lost in the time stream until now.

McFly is in no hurry to exit the vehicle and enter the ring, as he sees Stone Cold perched atop the turnbuckle awaiting his entrance. Stone Cold, tired of waiting, makes his way up the ramp, pulls Marty from the car and drags him to the ring by his vest.

Just as Austin pulls McFly into the ring, contestant #30 comes out to a chorus of boos.

“It’s that goddamn dog from Duck Hunt!” snarls JR.

“No. No way can that damn dog win this thing! We’ll never hear the last snarky bark from that smug little prick!” bristles Ross.

Then, in one cathartic moment, every child of the 80s was given the visual treat they’d longed for so many times over the years. The comeuppance that this dog so rightly deserved, the revenge everyone dreamed of.

“Stone Cold Stunner! Stone Cold Stunner!” barks JR, “Austin stunned the hell out of the Duck Hunt dog!!”

Austin eliminates the dog, as the entire capacity crowd rises from their seats and giggles with their left hand over their mouth.

McFly tries to capitalize on a distracted Austin. He charges him from behind, intent on clotheslining him over the top rope, but Austin turns around at the last moment, ducks the attack and tosses McFly over the top for the win!

With the match complete, a flash occurs over Austin’s weary body.

Dr. Sam Beckett leaps out of Stone Cold’s body, as his mission to “set things right” is complete. When McFly altered the timestream by jumping into the end of the 2007 Royal Rumble last year, it set in motion a chain of events that had to be rectified “Quantum Leap style”. We’re still not sure what McFly did to “nuts up” the timeline, but the quantum physicist Beckett leaped into Steve Austin’s body to make sure the correct USF Royal Rumble result was achieved.

Winner: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin/Dr. Sam Beckett

Watching from the back, Thor declares UnderScoopFire the oddest realm he’s ever visited.