80s Pop Culture Character Royal Rumble

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by Howard Decker @HowardTheDeck on January 15, 2013

in Humor, The 80s, WWE

{Last year, to commemorate the WWE’s annual Royal Rumble event, the UnderScoopFire staff created a list of our top 30 favorite nostalgic characters to compete in the first ever “80s Childhood Royal Rumble”. Thirty competitors will enter (one at a time over 2 minute intervals) and 29 will be eliminated – leaving one 80s icon to stand as champion.

We were so proud of it that we decided to re-post it this year… and because we’re probably going to post another one this year.}

 

The Royal Rumble.

 

Thirty will enter, one will stand victorious.

Close your eyes and picture the annual video package the WWE rolls out highlighting the 25 year history of the Royal Rumble.

Now replace the customary 30 pro wrestlers with 30 of our biggest childhood cartoon, comic book and movie icons.

 

Show highlights:

The entrants are shown pulling their numbers at random from a hopper – and this time “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase was not present to try to purchase #30 from anyone.

“Can you get me to #30, Doc?”

A pre-match backstage scene showed Marty McFly pulling #1. Realizing the odds were against him, he hopped in the DeLorean and attempted to set a course for the final moments of the Royal Rumble match. He figured he’d arrive a few hours in the future, eliminate a few tired entrants and easily claim victory. In typical fashion, things didn’t go as planned for Marty as he ended up mistakenly arriving in the final moments of the 2007 WWE Royal Rumble, only to step out of the car and be super-kicked by Shawn Michaels and choke slammed by The Undertaker.

With McFly missing in action, another competitor would have to take his place in the 2012 UnderScoopFire Royal Rumble.

As Howard Finkel announces the beginning of the match, the crowd waits to see who drew #1…

Anyone familiar with the Royal Rumble knows that there is much circumstance around who draws #1, as they would have to go through all 29 other competitors to win the match. The most grueling of tasks, running this gauntlet has only been achieved by 2 superstars in WWF/WWE history. Our favorite Arashikage clan ninja had the misfortune of drawing #1 in our Rumble.

Who would draw #2 and have to battle it out with Snake Eyes for 2 minutes of hell? The music hits.. it’s Batman! The Dark Knight himself drew #2, setting the stage for one of the most epic battles ever seen. This random draw provided fans with the dream matchup of Snake Eyes vs Batman for 2 minutes of non-stop action.

Batman and Snake Eyes battled to a draw, and broke away from battling each other only long enough to make quick collective work of the next 2 entrants, Han Solo and Michael Knight. The two smooth-talking ladies men found themselves thoroughly outmatched by two of the greatest fighters of our time.

As Skeletor and Mumm-Ra arrived on the scene, drawing #s 5 & 6 respectively, the good vs. evil battle ensued. Megatron entered at #7 and tipped the scales in favor of the villains. During the Royal Rumble, the lines between good and evil are blurred and team affiliations dissolve, but Snake Eyes and Batman did find common ground in their fight versus three of the most iconic baddies of all time.

Matt Trakker, BraveStarr and Link arrived on the scene as #s 8 – 10, and the ring began to get crowded in typical Royal Rumble fashion. By the time Storm Shadow arrived at #11, his Arashikage clan brother Snake Eyes was in dire straits, being worked over by a slew of competitors. Would Stormy help finish off a weakened Snakes or come to his aid?

Storm Shadow lept in to rescue Snake Eyes, standing guard over his subdued brother. Alliances began to form as individuals realized they needed to find an ally or two in this sea of competition. That’s when Chewbacca’s music hit..

Chewy strolled to the ring and stepped in over the top rope (as all 7-footers do) and began cleaning house. He eliminated icon after icon, until few remained. When Indiana Jones arrived he looked confused, as he had passed Han Solo backstage and realized just how odd this whole event was. But then…

I am a Real American

Fight for the rights of every man

I am a Real American

Fight for what’s right, fight for your life!!

Hulk Hogan’s music hits as the crowd goes wild (remember, these are children of the 80s – the nostalgia factor is multiplied here). Hogan marches to the ring, steps in and engages in an immediate stare down with Megatron. They begin trading blows, as Mumm-Ra and Skeletor pile on the Hulkster. Chewy makes the save and the match rages on.

Silverhawks leader Quicksilver, Cobra weapons supplier Destro, Centurion Ace McCloud, and bounty hunter Boba Fett (no jet packs allowed, rocket-firing or otherwise) make their entrances respectively, and as the ring fills with talent it starts to become clear that the late entrants will have a distinct advantage.

Lion-O hits the scene and makes a bee line for Mumm-Ra. He clotheslines the All-Powerful & Ever-Living over the top rope but the momentum carries him over as well, eliminating both of Thundera’s representatives.

Starscream enters at #20 and teams up with Megatron to eliminate McCloud and BraveStarr, among others. Just then, the wily Decepticon turns on his leader, eliminating Megatron while he least expected it (seriously, how did Megatron not see that one coming?). Megatron vows revenge on his traitorous associate.

He-Man pulls #21 and sprints to the ring to engage Skeletor. Having a great advantage due to the fact that Skeletor had been in the match since #5, and that his makeshift allies (Mumm-Ra & Megatron) were eliminated, He-Man makes quick work of his arch-enemy and tosses Skeletor over the top rope. Battle Cat, waiting at ringside, chases Skeletor up the ramp and backstage.

Mario enters the match next, followed by Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. An immediate battle ensues, as we all know how Mario feels about overgrown turtles. He promptly jumps on Leo’s head, sending him into his shell, as Mario kicks the spinning shell out to ringside under the bottom ring rope (keep in mind, this is not an elimination, as he would have to be tossed over the top rope).

Observant fans notice a shell-shocked Leonardo crawl under the ring, only to emerge moments later wearing a red headband. Energized, he hops back in to the ring and eliminates Mario. Why would he change his headgear under the ri… whoa, wait a minute! We’ve been bamboozled! The TMNT pulled the classic switcheroo! Taking a cue from such greats as the Killer Bees, Demolition, The Conquistadors, and the Bella Twins; the ninja turtles have played the other entrants for fools – hiding under the ring to switch out every time the current in-ring turtle gets tired.

Sgt. Slaughter enters as #24, has a staredown with Hogan (who still has not forgiven the Sarge for briefly renouncing his ties to the USA in the 90s), and then gets eliminated by Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, who were never really comfortable sharing G.I. Joe screen time with him in the 80s. What better way to get back at Sgt. Slaughter for one-upping them on their show than by upstaging him in his own backyard, the squared circle!

The crowd sees the clock ticking down toward our next entrant:

“Five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One!”

BUZZ!

The curtain parts as the Dark Lord of the Sith strides down the ramp.

“Business just picked up!”, shouts J.R. as the referee confiscates Vader’s lightsaber (a foreign object) at ringside.

As expected, Vader virtually cleans house. He tosses Raphael out and force pushes the remaining 3 hiding ninja turtles out from under the ring, all the way up the ramp and backstage, with a flick of his wrist. A bevy of assailants including Storm Shadow and He-Man put up a moment’s fight only to be ultimately eliminated by Vader.

Earlier backstage, an eliminated Megatron had transformed into a gun and stowed away on Vader’s belt buckle. During the melee, he lept off of Vader, transformed and ambushed Starscream, eliminating him from the match and exacting his sworn revenge (seriously, how did Starscream not see that coming?).

Chewbacca and Hulk Hogan team up and double clothesline Vader. Unpleased with this development, he force chokes the Hulkster and makes him watch as he gives Chewy a leg drop, Hogan’s trademark finisher. Vader tosses both over the top rope, leaving him in the ring with just Snake Eyes and Batman.

Not quite yet, Vader

The three men in black stare each other down from opposite corners. Just then, the buzzer goes off and Spider-Man drops from the rafters into the ring! Spidey gives Vader and Batman fits as they try to catch him, until the ringside referee calls for no more web-slinging. Spidey, always abiding by the rules, is now no match for the others as he is eliminated.

The buzzer goes off again and a red 18-wheeler rolls down the ramp to ringside. Optimus Prime transforms as he hits the ring and a knock-down drag-out brawl with Vader ensues. Snake Eyes and Batman lay in wait, licking their wounds and saving their waning energy. Remember, they were entrants #1 and 2!

MacGyver enters the ring at #28, and with a pen cap, a bottle cap, and some pocket lint he found in his jacket-vest he devises a mechanism that creates an explosion and eliminates everyone except Darth Vader. Wow, MacGyver, huh? Who knew?

Next out is Luke Skywalker. The showdown everyone was waiting for has come to fruition as he trots to the ring to go one on one with his father one more time. Without lightsabers, the two warriors force push and Jedi-chop each other for a somewhat anti-climactic 2 minutes until #30 hits the scene: Cobra Commander.

Picture this, except in a wrestling ring

Surely some sort of treachery was afoot for ol’ “chrome dome” to “randomly” pull #30. He slowly makes his way to the ring, wearing his battle helmet and face plate. MacGyver frantically tries to fashion a suitable weapon out of what scraps he can find ringside, but cannot finish in time as CC eliminates him.

Three remain.

The proud owner of #30

Cobra Commander inconspicuously stays clear of the action as Luke and Vader continue to fight. It becomes clear that without lightsabers, this duel kind of sucks. Just then, each galactic gladiator reaches back to summon the will for one more huge force push, and as they simultaneously deliver the blows, the resulting energy blasts them both in opposite directions, out of the ring and through the arena walls!

Cobra Commander realizes he has won by virtue of a Jedi-stalemate and raises his arm in victory. He begins reaching for his mask for some reason, as his music hits. However, the music that begins to play is no standard Cobra entrance theme…

“We’re Cold Slither, you’ll be joining us soon.

A band of vipers, playing our tune!”

Cobra Commander removes his helmet to reveal … Zartan in disguise!! Jim Ross begins losing his voice as he screams, “The Master of Make-up, the Duke of Deception, the King of Camouflage, Zartan has pulled the ultimate in subterfuge!!”

A video appears on the TitanTron, revealing Cobra Commander tied up in his dressing room with several Dreadnoks standing guard over him, each with a night’s supply of grape soda and chocolate donuts.

Michael Cole looks on in confusion.

“We gotta go, we’re out of time!” Jim Ross bellows as the broadcast goes off the air, “Why, Zartan, why?!”

 

 

The WWE’s 26th Royal Rumble goes down Sunday, Jan. 27, 2013 live on pay-per-view.

 

Howie Decker (@HowardtheDeck) is the co-creator and editor of UnderScoopFire. He likes fantasy baseball & taco night. You can read his Letter from the Editor here.

Click here for all articles written by Howie Decker

 

  • http://aeiouwhy.blogspot.com Dex

    You say you spent too much time on this, I say it’s time well spent!

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howard Decker

      Thanks Dex!

  • http://www.williambrucewest.com Will

    Simply amazing. Am I upset that MacGyver took out BATMAN (?!)? YES. However, this whole thing played out in true WWF (I refuse to use the “E”) fashion. I can’t wait for your next one, which will hopefully include Alf in the “Dink” role.

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howard Decker

      Yes Will, Dink Alf will likely debut at UnderScoopFireMania I

  • http://twitter.com/SockOfFleagulls Jason Gross (@SockOfFleagulls)

    Wow, loved it!! Really thought that one out didn’t you?? A job well done, sir.

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howard Decker

      Not at all Jason, I just threw all of my action figures in my old LJN WWF ring and threw it down a flight of stairs to determine the outcome. I would never put this much time into thinking it through! (I swear)

  • http://eclectik-relaxation.com eclectik

    THIS was INCREDIBLE!
    Swerves galore … personally I wanted The Commander to win and I highly expected “Twin Magic” to happen with Tomax and Xamot but Mario jumping on The shell was hilarity and Chewy’s music hitting CLASSIC!

    *daps*

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howard Decker

      Thanks eclectik – I knew you would remember all of these characters from back when you were just a “lower case e” *daps reciprocated*

  • Joseph Tages

    That… that was a thing of beauty I just read. Wow. Just, wow…

    The 80′s. Such an Iconic decade.

    Wow.

    But everyone knows that Prime would have kicked Zartan’s butt!

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howard Decker

      Never seen Joseph Tages speechless in the comments section of any site. I take great pride in this moment.

  • Brian Morin

    That, simply put, was the best thing I have ever read. I seriously was laughing so hard that I had tears in my eyes. Well done!

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howard Decker

      Ha, thanks Brian!

  • Bryan KinCannon

    Had to read this again because it was so awesome. Spider-Man could’ve put up a better fight, but I see your point.

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howard Decker

      It’s tough- all of these characters could have rightfully won. It took some underhanded subterfuge to come out victorious in this glorious battle.

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  • http://www.doubledumbassonyou.com Jon

    What about Jack Burton?

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howie Decker

      Big Trouble in Little China? Impossible to fit every 80s character in one match, but that’s why we’re doing another one this year! Stay tuned to see who the next 30 competitors are..

      Thanks for reading!

  • https://twitter.com/Count_Marzo Count Marzo

    Just imagining all these guys coming down to the ring after the Howard Finkle announcement and countdown TO THEIR MUSIC! #Epic

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howie Decker

      If you liked this one Marzo, just wait until USF Royal Rumble II (out this week). MUCH more entrance music and audio supplements..

  • http://jasonvorhees.wordpress.com Jason

    This was a fantastic enjoyable read! And depending on the draw of the numbers, this could’ve went many ways(almost like a choose-your-own-adventure). I never saw Zartan coming! Excellent twist!

    • http://underscoopfire.com Howie Decker

      Jason- thanks so much for the kind words, I’m glad you enjoyed it! Maybe next year for part 3 (since part 2 is already written) I can engineer a bit of a Choose You Own Adventure style post. (If you want the next entrant to be a Jedi, click here!)

      This is exactly why I re-posted this, in hopes that people who missed it last year would see it and be excited for the sequel (posting Thursday)!

  • Ben

    This is the greatest thing I’ve ever read. I pictured/heard every moment in my head. You paint a vivid ridiculously fictional picture.

  • http://www.infinitehollywood.com Newt

    Nice work, but if this was really an 80s pop culture Royal Rumble, we all know Hogan and He-Man would have co-won. They then would have shared a pose down in the ring that would take up the last ten minutes and end the PPV.

  • Paul G.

    This is beyond ridiculous and I loved every word of it. Can’t wait for the second edition!

  • http://redheadedmule.com ClarenceRHM

    Wow, Howie, now that’s dedication!

  • Jules

    Batman vs Snake Eyes needs to be the main event at UnderScoopMania I

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