Ask Mr. Serious Volume II: 80s Target Acquired

by Corey Chapman @chapmanrunner on January 19, 2013

in Mr. Serious

This week’s question comes from Brian via the UnderScoopFire comments:


If you were hired to assassinate your choice of 80s characters, who would you choose and how would you do it?


This question has the board game CLUE written all over it! I am going to go with Col. Mustard in the study with the lead pipe.

Actually, I wanted to perform a public service. But unfortunately, both Sex and the City and Barney were born in the 90s. Sorry guys.

Then I thought I may eliminate some our favorite shows’ adversaries. I always despised Col. Decker from The A-Team. That fearless military commander was relentless when it came to hunting down and capturing our favorite underground mercenaries for hire. As a child, I can remember being filled with vitriol whenever he was on screen. Why couldn’t he be reassigned? When you fail that many times, shouldn’t you be assigned a desk job?

Then I thought about that pesky newspaper reporter Jack McGee from The Incredible Hulk. Like Col. Decker, that man was relentless in his pursuit of the “truth.” He spent five seasons AND a TV movie tracking the Hulk as a reporter for the National Register. Can you imagine what that expense report must have looked like?

I couldn’t have either of them assassinated because both those characters were essential to the balance of these early 80s action adventure shows. If either of them were eliminated, the stakes wouldn’t be as high. The daring escape wouldn’t be as fun if it were from faceless law enforcement agents.

Then it hit me. The perfect crime. And in the process not only eliminating the target, but leaving no trace that I was even involved. AND…. I would take out an entire show that no one looks back fondly upon.

Voice Input Child Identicant, or better known as Vicki (V.I.C.I.) from the syndicated sitcom “Small Wonder.” For those of you who are not familiar, Vicki was a robot (in the form of a 10 year old girl) created by engineer Ted Lawson that is brought home to live with his family, so said-android can learn to be “human”. Vicki was created to assist the handicapped, or at least that’s what the press release from United Robotronics claimed. I always wondered if Vicki was really just capturing suburbia intel, waiting for the right time to annihilate the neighborhood. She had to be eliminated. But how?

I am just as concerned with you regarding artificial life taking over the world. Movies like Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop are enjoyable science fiction, but sometimes I wonder if they could end up being science FACT. My plan would help slow down the advancement in android technology, scaring the public so badly that legislation would be written to block all research and development in cyborg technology.

Here is how I would get it done: First, I would become chummy with Brandon Brindle, Ted’s boss and next door neighbor. He was known to enjoy sweets (that’s not true I have no idea) (but who doesn’t love a nice apple pie?) I would become fast friends with him. That wouldn’t be too hard, he didn’t seem like he had many friends. As we grew closer, I would invite myself to dinner. At dinner, I would excuse myself to the little boys room. Instead of pissing, I would sneak off to the den, find and steal Vicki’s design blue prints. The next part may be tricky.

I would then need to remotely reprogram Vicki to be a killing machine. I probably would have to outsource that IT support to India. Once that is complete, I remotely log into Brandon’s home Commodore 64, and type in the command to obliterate the entire Lawson family while they sleep. It doesn’t need to be cruel, so probably a gas explosion. The key to this is tracing it back to Vicki AND Brindle. Once the authorities connect the dots, Brindle goes to jail and the android program is shut down. Everybody wins (well, except the Lawsons).

The world would be a safer place without human cyborgs, and we wouldnt have to sit through 96 episodes of Small Wonder.

My work here is done.

Thanks for the question Brian! Keep ’em coming everyone!


[Be sure to check out Ask Mr. Serious Volume I: God loves Burritos]


If you have a question for Mr. Serious, leave it on our Facebook page, tweet it to@underscoopfire or hit the CONTACT US button on the top left of this page!


Mr. Serious (@chapmanrunner) has been selling his whole life, nowadays he actually gets paid to do it. His long term goal is to retire young and spend his days watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live and tweeting about “the good old days”. He produces and edits the UnderScoopFire podcast.

Brian Morin January 19, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Brilliant plan! Not sure how Small Wonder made it that many episodes in the first place without someone assassinating them all. That being said, someone should work on a Small Wonder screenplay in which it’s an action movie about a psychotic cyborg daughter who takes a family hostage and their exciting, but gory, attempt to escape her. Great work Corey!

Corey Chapman January 21, 2013 at 11:26 am

I couldnt believe there were that many episodes either. I remember only a handful, and they were all dreadful. I thought about having Harriet killed as well, just because she was so annoying, but let her live. Maybe next time…

Howie Decker January 21, 2013 at 11:48 am

Harriet MIGHT be worse than Danny Cooksey (Sam on Diff’rent Strokes). MIGHT.

Kevin Hellions January 19, 2013 at 3:37 pm

There are 96 episodes of Small Wonder?! Someone must have been out of their damn mind.

Howie Decker January 19, 2013 at 4:12 pm

Crazy. Before reading this, if you asked me to guess how many eps of that show aired I’d have guessed 24 tops.

Corey Chapman January 21, 2013 at 11:27 am

Syndication is crazy! There must have been a market for terribly produced half assed sitcoms back then. Wait, it WAS the 80s!

shezcrafti January 19, 2013 at 4:51 pm

See, now if anything Small Wonder-related had come up on “What’s The Scoop?” I’d have been all over that shit. You know why there was 96 episodes, haters? Because it was an awesome show. #SmallWonder4Lyfe

Corey Chapman January 21, 2013 at 11:29 am

Crafti, you have got to be out of your mind. I actually read that during the Gulf war, American soldiers played all 96 shows on a loop to disorient the Iraqi military.

Howie Decker January 21, 2013 at 11:50 am

I can confirm. They used waterboarding and Small Wondering. Geneva Convention loophole.

Jason Gross (@SockOfFleagulls) January 19, 2013 at 5:31 pm

Excellent choice. I’ll sleep much better tonight because I’m more scared of robots taking over the planet than zombies.

Corey Chapman January 21, 2013 at 11:31 am

Someone call Michael Bay! We have our next summer blockbuster! Zombies vs. Robots!

Howie Decker January 21, 2013 at 11:50 am

How is that not a thing? That’s gotta be a thing.

James January 21, 2013 at 10:45 am

Nice follow up- this question was much better than the first edition’s. Hopefully the good questions keep coming because the answers are always entertaining

Corey Chapman January 21, 2013 at 11:32 am

Thanks James! I love answering these great questions! If you have one (or many), let me know! And thanks for reading!

Howie Decker January 21, 2013 at 11:54 am

The questions are banked for the next few weeks, but keep ’em coming. Just like girls at a night club, the best ones go to the front of the line! Is that how it works? I’ve never been. I got nothin.

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