Fightin’ Words: The 6 Lamest Masters of the Universe Characters

Editor’s Note: The views of Chad E. Young do not necessarily reflect the views of UnderScoopFire. I for one, was Team Buzz Off all the way.

There is a disturbing lack of Masters of the Universe content on this site. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, as there are so many other “children of the 80s” topics to cover. But, I am noticing a lack of love for one of the lines that defined the 80s.

At the same time, I kinda see why. So much in that line was straight up goofy to look at. A lot of those guys didn’t stand the test of time. Not to say other toy lines are perfect pieces of art, hardly. I would never tell you to show me a Headman action figure from the 1992 GI Joe line and expect me to lie and tell you it’s great. No. Some of those Masters of the Universe figures were downright lousy even back then. Let’s take a quick glance at them.

Fisto

Other than having a huge metal fist and a very porn-sounding name, he doesn’t really do much but stand there and look like your dad wandered into the front lawn in his underwear and your old Halloween costume.

Fisto appeared a few times (too many, that is) in the cartoon and pretty much did nothing of note. Mustache enthusiasts will note his awesome Rollie Fingers mustache blending into his ginger beard. It’s so awesome that it takes the focus off his lame metal fist.

Rio Blast

Ever see the great science fiction movie Westworld? Yul Brynner played a crazed robot cowboy that malfunctioned and decided to destroy a bunch of visitors. Great movie and one of the best performances in the history of science fiction

Someone at Mattel thought they could take that concept and create Rio Blast, a robot-cowboy with a heinous beard. Look at this fool. He looks like Chuck Norris as a cast member of one of those lame “Wild West” tourist traps. This is one of those figures that clueless parents would walk down the toy aisle and pick up because they knew their kids liked MOTU, but He-Man and Skeletor were not available. I fear the child’s look as they open a present for their birthday and they receive this cowpie.

Clawful

The next character is rather bizarre- as in, I don’t know how to describe it. Clawful is a…well…a lobster. A lobster with one giant lobster claw on one arm and a regular arm on the other.

By Masters of the Universe standards (hell, even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles standards) this is downright silly. Clawful was a character that was bound to live in flea market hell at 10 cents each forever.

Rattlor

Rattlor was one of the Snake Men, a group of weird overgrown snake/human hybrids. The Snake Men were a really cool sub-set of the line, much better than the stupid comet-pets (Chad’s note: please don’t email me with their names. I don’t care.)

All the Snake Men figures had a unique feature like an extending tongue or a torso that pops apart to reveal a snake body. Not all of them were winners. Rattlor’s main feature was a rattle, like a Rattlesnake of course. Sadly, it comes off more like a stupid baby toy. Although, even babies would be smart to ignore this one.

Scareglow

I’m kinda torn on this next one. Scareglow is kinda cool. The design is pretty rad. The problem is his origin and backstory. In some circles he is considered Skeletor’s weird decoy-henchmen. In others, Scareglow is Skeletor’s ghost, which doesn’t make much sense.

By the time you figure out what this figure really is, you don’t care. And it’s a real shame because out of all the MOTU, this figure has got one of the most unique designs.

Buzz Off

The last figure I’m going to touch on is the biggest lamewad in all of Eternia. I pity any child who had this figure in their collection. A figure so wretched I have no description of it. All I can do is post a photo of this waste of plastic and leave it at that…I give you the one, the only…Buzz Off.

Yep, these are the lamest figures of the Masters of the Universe line. There’s about 50 others I wanted to include, but these were the cream of the crap. Who did I leave off? Who should not have been on this list? Sound off in the comments!

Chad E. Young‘s love of G.I. Joe knows no bounds. He travelled from DC to Canada to meet Larry Hama. He once talked a toy dealer down from $100 to $35 for a beat up Terrordrome. He’s seen every episode of each cartoon from the Sunbow, DIC, and yes…EVEN G.I. Joe Extreme. He happens to know a thing or two about wrestling, too.