Toy Warning is So Unintentionally Funny It Must Be On Purpose

by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

I usually glance at these kinds of things, have a chuckle and move on, but I can’t let this one off the hook so easily.

Take a moment to absorb it all. I’ll meet you after the picture and we’ll figure out how to tackle this.

Where to start? I guess with rule #1. Which, speaking of: there sure seems to be a lot of rules here for a SAFE TOY. In my experience with individually pre-packaged gas station fart bags (which is what this box contains), if you have to print SAFE TOY in bold font, at least 10pts larger than the rest of the copy on the box, this might be a red flag.

Here’s a scary thought- since toy makers usually prefer NOT to scare off every person who could potentially purchase their product, this box label is probably not the result of a proactive, safety-minded one man marketing department. Nope, this label is the result of something bad, which, judging by steps #1, #4, and the extra “PLEASE DO NOT PUT IN MOUTH” tacked at the end, probably involved someone attempting to open and ingest an individually wrapped pre-packaged gas station fart bag.

Here’s the only possible way that the subsequent edition of the Fart Bag company’s weekly corporate meeting went down:

What’s the latest on the dick clown who tried to eat one of the fart bags?

His lawyer said he’s willing to settle, but the judge wants us to be more clear on the warning label.

That’s fine, but we’re not wasting precious company time or resources on grammar. And make sure people still know this is a SAFE TOY.

Safe toy.

I’d say I’ve been around the block a few times with regard to toys and novelty products like this, but after pawing at one of these packages for 3 minutes like a bear trying to open a can of Spaghettios I still have no idea what in blazes these things do.

Thankfully, it looks like I’m not alone. Of the 72PCS in this box, I’d hazard a guess that at least 70 of them were still there. That means one of two things: either they aren’t selling because humans haven’t evolved enough yet to understand and appreciate the individually wrapped fart bag, or the day I saw this display was coincidentally the official global wide-release launch date for bagged toy farts.

Jesus, we haven’t even addressed #3 yet. “When the bag pop and smell the odor like fart.” I can’t even begin to translate this mess- fuck, yes I can. I know exactly what they’re trying to say here. Does this make me dumb? OH GOD I’M SO DUMB FOR UNDERSTANDING THIS.

Or wait- maybe it means I’ve reached a higher state of consciousness, that I’ve evolved. Enjoy ignorance, bitches.




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