Pac-Man, Super Mario Bros., Doom, Tomb Raider, Tecmo Super Bowl… any child of the 80s knows the titles of some of the most classic and widely played video games of all time.
But how many potentially great games were ruined by their title before they were even inserted into the console? I’ve done some digging and come up with ten games with truly horrendous titles. Before we get into the list, I should preface this by saying that for all of the time that I’ve spent playing video games, exactly zero seconds were spent playing any of the games listed below.
Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy – Atari Jaguar
Ok. Guessing at the premise here, but I’m going to say the main character is a Scottish guinea pig who travels through time and space to a galaxy that is shaped oddly like a croissant.
Ninja Scooter Simulator – ZX Spectrum 48K
It’s not even a real ninja on a scooter, it’s a simulator. To be fair, I’m not versed in the ways of the ninja, but last time I checked they weren’t exactly known for riding scooters. Why someone would need to simulate it I don’t know. I guess so they can become licensed ninja scooterists.
Bad Cat – Amiga
My guess is that the main boss in this game is a cat that never covers up in the litter box and coughs up hairballs all over the brand new carpet.
Wild Woody– Sega CD
I completely understand this title. I often find that my woody goes wild. And then I end up with…
Sticky Balls – Gizmondo
Honestly, what good would sticky balls be in any sport?
Booby Kids (Japan) – NES
To be fair, it is a Japanese title, but Booby Kids? The sequel would have to be Booby Kids 2: Boob Men, right? I’m picturing Frankie Muniz as the star.
Nuts & Milk – NES
You know what I love when I have a mouthful of nuts? A tall glass of ice cold milk to wash it down. And I didn’t even mean to make that sound dirty.
Tongue of the Fatman – Commodore 64, DOS, Megadrive
There probably isn’t all that much of a difference in the tongue size of the skinny and the tongues of the morbidly obese. I question why that even matters. I’m really not sure what kind of game would involve a tongue as its titular character.
Rex Nebular and the Cosmic Gender Bender – DOS, Mac
The cosmic gender bender? Not sure that I even want to touch this one.
Big Mutha Truckers 2: Truck Me Harder – PS2, Xbox
You know whoever came up with this title was all kinds of proud of themselves. I thought it was clever too until I actually tried to truck someone harder and just got kicked in the nuts and milk.
Brian Morin (@bmorin54) is a fan of anything 80s. He hosted an 80s themed radio show while in college which justified his library of over 250 eighties CDs, and currently co-hosts The Walking Dads, a Walking Dead-themed podcast.
I remember Tongue of the Fat Man (think I saw an ad for it in an old Compute magazine, wow that’s really old!) and I’ve played Big Mutha Truckers, but not the sequel, which sounds EXCELLENT given the screenshot of Bobbie Sue provided.
This list is awful, which is great because that’s what you were going for. I can’t stop laughing at “Nuts & Milk” — sounds like one of those cereals I’m fond of…
you like to clean out your system on a daily basis with those Kashi “Sticks and Dirt” type cereals, don’t you?
Hahahahahahaha what the fuck?!? These were awesome, never heard of most of them. I was expecting to see Princess Tomato and the Salad Kingdom but that’s actually a great title compared to these… Cosmic Gender Bender?!? Hahahahaha
I played a lot of weird games on my C64, can’t believe I haven’t seen Tongue of the Fat Man before.
No one sees the Tongue of the Fat Man…. until it is too late. Also, fun fact, the Fat Man is part of the Arashikage clan.
please please please make an appearance in GIJoe Retaliation!
if you Google image it, the screencaps are quite interesting
I’ve never played it, but “Rex Nebular and the Cosmic Gender Bender” sounds like a thing of sheer beauty, straight out of “Futurama”.
If you have a DOS emulator you can download it and play it.
yes!
I honestly have only ever heard of two of these. Great research. Excellent list.
Hail Mary crushed it with this one
The funny thing is that I started working on the list in July and then completely forgot about it for 1/2 a year. I’m glad everyone is enjoying it.
we’re all glad you stuck with it!
You are a douche… just sayin… and do you really have to comment after everyone? -_-
Yes. It’s my attempt to foster an environment in which people engage each other in the comments section of my site, thus leading to increased reader buy-in and higher site traffic. If you follow our fellow blogger Fogs’ Movie Reviews, you’ll see he replies to every single comment left on his site, a habit I aspire to. Thing is, I can’t tell if you are a fellow Fogs follower, since you were too huge of a pussy to leave your real name and contact info in the comment login. None@none.com is a creative email address, but it’s an even more creative way for people like you to say things to people that you’d never say to their face.
And throwing a ‘just sayin’ in there? Is that your built in “oh I was just joking” clause in case someone called you on this? Might as well tack an ‘LOL’ at the end for good measure. Troll.
Howie, you rule. Pay no attention to the trolls.
Rex Nebular and the Cosmic Gender Bender – one of the greatest quest for DOS.