The Joker’s Unabridged Holiday Wish List

by Kap El

Everybody has family traditions for the holidays.


For some, it’s specific carols sung together by a fire, for others it might be spinning dreidels with your cool older cousins, Wikipedia-ing Kwanzaa, or high-fiving your pagan friends on Yule.

Regardless, the holidays foster traditions as a way to become closer to those around you, or those you wish you were closer too- sometimes causing drama (read: Office Mistletoe vs. HR Department).

The best traditions are those you share with your dysfunctional family, and no family is more dysfunctional than Batman’s Rogues gallery: a loose grouping of ne’er do wells with complex interpersonal relationships, all hell-bent on opposing the Dark Knight Detective.

image courtesy

A little known fact about Batman’s Rogues is that each year, they organize a Secret Santa gift exchange. Some rogues are easier to shop for than others, take Kiteman for example. Others range from puzzling (Dare you give the Riddler yet another book of Mad Libs?) to the extremely difficult ( Did Solomon Grundy REALLY want pants, or was he just trying to look cool in front of the rest of the Legion of Doom?). Get the wrong gift at your own peril.

The worst person to shop for of course is Gotham’s Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker. But this year, old clownshoes himself made it easy for everyone, and has created a list of things he’d love.

Without further ado:


Used matchsticks,
Saran Wrap,
doll heads,
MC Hammer-style pants
old batteries,
a French Maid’s outfit: Men’s Slim,
Pop-o-Matic Trouble (has to be Pop-o-Matic)
a train set,
a little song,
a little dance,
Batman’s head on a lance,
N*Sync’s Greatest Hits,
peanut butter,
knives made of lint,
Jim Gordon’s mustache (replica),
Jim Gordon’s mustache (actual),
E.T. for Atari 2600,
bouillon (beef or gold – both acceptable),
Silly Putty,
power tools,
athletic supporter (unsoiled),
maple syrup (case),
Kanye West glasses,
AT-AT dog costume,
Superman’s secret identity,
Canadian citizenship,
The Elephant Man’s bones,
“Those wonderful toys”

  • gas-powered grappling hook
  • utility belt
  • gas pellets
  • Monster High Dolls

spray paint,
Arsenic Flavored Cotton Candy,
“Mighty Max Slay the Doom Dragon” playset,
stock vouchers for “Brand X”,
Air Fresheners “Black Ice” Scent
“For them to bring back SURGE”,
Debbie Does Dallas on VHS.

Unfortunately, the last few items were unreadable due to a mysterious red stain, which was not investigated further.

Maybe we can pass this along to whoever is unlucky enough to draw The Joker’s crinkled name out of the Mad Hatter’s hat this year.

Happy Holidays!



Kap El is an illustrator from the midwest. He has a two day head start on you, has friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, speaks a dozen different languages and knows every local custom. He’ll blend in, disappear. With any luck he has the grail already. He once got lost in his own museum. You can reach him on Twitter @Kap_L or on Tumblr at


He also drew this.




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