The 50 Greatest Cobras of All Time

by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

40. Darklon

Highest rank: #16 (Justin Bell)

The ruler of Darklonia, his first action figure came out in 1989 and was packaged with the Evader vehicle. Darklon is a cousin of Destro, and joined the Iron Grenadiers in their battle with Cobra. Darklon plays a large role in the current run of the ARAH comic, as he was captured by the Joes, and then came into possession of a very valuable weapon component. His file card might reveal the most heinous aspect of his evil nature – he has a team of telemarketers that solicit business for his mercenary army. How evil!

 

39. Tele-Viper

Highest rank: #17 (John Vanover)

The visor on the Tele-Viper’s helmet has an LED scroll that displays the wearer’s thoughts, which led to the dishonorable discharge of Lenny, the “Always Thinking About Porn-Viper”.

 

38. Cobra Officer

Highest rank: #6 (Dave Gildersleeve)

Not to be confused with the Cobra Trooper, the Cobra Officer was one of the only Cobras released as part of the 1982 ‘straight-arm’ wave. Well, the Cobra Trooper was in that wave too, but he was just called ‘Cobra’. His code name was ‘The Enemy’. OK, both of them were code named ‘The Enemy’. Nevermind.

 

37. Cesspool 

Highest rank: #6 (Justin Bell)

Vincent D’Alleva is the former CEO of a company that came under the scrutiny of environmentalists. After a chemical sludge accident, his face is scarred and he joins Cobra; because as we know by now, there are no ugly good guys.

 

36. Black Out

Highest rank: #8 (Justin Bell)

Thomas Stall is the brother of G.I. Joes Barrel Roll and Bombstrike.. but he’s a Cobra?! Ooh- juicy backstory! Black Out failed the psychological component of the G.I. Joe entrance exam, so he decided to take his crazy ass to work for Cobra and snipe the ever-loving crap out of some Joes.

 

35. Interrogator 

Highest rank: #7 (Justin Bell)

Interrogator was a member of The Plague. He took part in a mission to kidnap Destro & Baroness’s child from a hospital. He kidnapped Duke and his father. What, you don’t remember any of this? It all took part in the Devil’s Due World War III comic story arc. I haven’t read it either, but it’s been on my Amazon Wish List forever! That’s gotta count for something!

 

34. Shock Trooper 

Highest rank: #7 (John Vanover)

Yet another specialized Cobra Trooper. Man, enrollment (or rather, action figure sales) must be booming! So many sub-troops.

 

33. H.I.S.S. Driver

Highest rank: #9 (John Vanover)

I always wished they gave this guy a proper name. At least the Maggot had W.O.R.M.S.!

 

32. Thrasher

Highest rank: #19 (Howie Decker)

See what I mean? This guy could have easily been called “Thunder Machine Driver”, but they went the extra mile and gave him a name- and a great one at that. Thrasher is a nasty bastard. His parents were crippled in a car wreck, which happened after he likely sabotaged their brakes. In the Marvel comics, the only reason he left the swamp was because he ran out of animals to strangle. What a peach!

 

31. Alley Viper

Highest rank: #1 (Joe Zicari)

Is the Alley Viper really the 31st Greatest Cobra of All Time? We’ll leave that up to you. Our own Battle Armor Joe certainly thinks he deserves to be here, awarding him the #1 spot! To be fair, he wasn’t the only one to rank him in their top 25, so there’s that. It is a cool color scheme for an action figure, and they must be useful, as I’m sure there’s plenty of Alleys to be viped!

 

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