Ben Affleck is the Batman? Go Home WB, You’re Drunk!

Last night Warner Bros. declared that Ben Affleck would be cast as Batman in the Man of Steel sequel and the world hasn’t stopped screaming since.

Following the announcement that Christian Bale would rather die a thousand deaths than live another day of this death, hundreds of generically symmetrical middle aged bat-hopefulls flocked to the Batsignal in the WB lot. Like salmon migrating upstream, seemingly every eligible bat-chelor (nailed it) was vying to wedge their meaty acting chops into Bale’s barely cold Bat-slipper.

Jake Gyllenhaal (rich man’s Tobey Maguire), Richard Armitage (da fuq?), Orlando Bloom (eff no), Luke Evans (that guy from Fast & The Furious 6), Tyler Hoechlin (Derek Hale from Teen Wolf), and Ryan Gosling, are just a few of the many who volunteered as tribute.

Alas, try as they might, literally no one in Hollywood is whiter or more middle-aged than Ben Fucking Affleck. Cue the raspy exhale of a slowly deflating Whoopie cushion.

I demand a recount. Ben Affleck can bat suck it. It is so obvious that Mad Eye Matt Damon Moody put Affleck’s name in the Goblet of Fire. DOES NO ONE REMEMBER DAREDEVIL?! SMOKIN’ ACES? GIGLI? I would feel like someone has just played a really mean joke on me, but this is a thousand times worse than saran wrap on the toilet, or salt in my coffee. Personally, I was really hoping Bale would pass his tiara and scepter on to a new-comer like Tyler Hoechlin. Who, you know, extreme personal bias aside, isn’t a complete fall-down mess.

In addition to a booty you could eat breakfast off of, there are a few reasons why I like Hoechlin for Batman. He is fantastically athletic, he is hotter than the surface of a bazillion suns, he is a great actor who could totally own the duality of Bruce Wayne, and, probably the two most important factors, Hoechlin is young and still relatively unknown. Warner Brothers should be looking for someone they can mold their multi-billion dollar Batman franchise around, and Hoechlin, unlike Affleck, is young enough that he could conceivably play Batman for a long time. That way Hoechlin, 26, and Henry Cavill, 31, could have lasted together up through Justice League, Super Golden Friends, and whatever other DC-related projects might be in the pipeline over the next twenty years.

As it is, Affleck will be pushing fifty by the time the first Justice League movie launches. Also, Hoechlin gives some of the best sass this side of Honey Boo Boo Child. Which, if you know anything about Batman and Superman’s torrid love affair tense working relationship, it’s that they only communicate in jabs and insults. You better goddamn redneckognize!

With the release of Man of Steel 2: Electric Boogaloo hovering two years into the future, I can’t help but feel that the decision to crown Affleck as Batman was a bit premature. TBH, the first Man of Steel movie was not that great. It made a passable earning at the box office and opened to luke-warm reviews. At the end of the day, Affleck is probably only 60% of this movie’s problems, but wasted potential gives me a serious case of the butthurts.

 

Jannika Coons (@JerkasaurusRex) is a pop culture enthusiast, amateur historian, and a self-confessed geek. She loves puns, b-movies, and Byzantine history. IRL, when she’s not writing, she dabbles in freelance graphic design and marketing. Jannika is also one third of the creative talent behind Cullen the Kettle Black, a Twilight parody web comic.

 

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