Valentine's Day Pop Culture Classified Ads

We asked for fake classified ads based on pop culture characters (not a ridiculous request) and boy did you deliver!

There were some very funny and creative entries in this contest- I hope you enjoy them as much as I did as they came in.

Hit the comments and let us know which one is your favorite!

Lonely Blonde Bombshell Looking To Breakout

I’m tired of all the guys who constantly stare at themselves in the mirror, treat their relationship like one big joke, or think their intelligence somehow makes them superior.
With my choices growing ever so smaller, I’m looking for a guy who lives outside of the village.
You pick the place and I’ll be there. My place is impossible to find.
I’m not very spontaneous and like to plan dates well ahead of time. My transportation takes awhile.
Skin color is not an issue with me, as long as its not with you.

[Jason Gross]

Untrustworthy Single Yellow Female

USYF seeking beefy blue male with a large havoc staff, face not required.
I have pale white hair and solid black eyes. My hobbies include witchcraft, betrayal, and releasing various demons and beasts from their home dimensions.
Summon me for a good time and I’ll be your Sorceress of Night, ask for Evelyn!

[Count Marzo]

Superstar Ex-Pitcher Seeking My #1 True Soulmate (No Fatties)

The only thing I do better than throwing baseballs faster than fuck is crushin’ that pussy.
Must have huge tits and be into sports, Waverunners, weed, and OK with getting double-stuffed sometimes.
Think you’re my dreamgirl? Reply to this ad and wait for my assistant to contact you–if you’re lucky.

[Jaime Hood]

Hotter than Wheatcakes

I’ve never filled one of these out before but here goes…
Friendly neighborhood guy looking for one more day.
Usually I date redheads but I’ve been known to curl up with a blonde and other
Cats. I’m pretty athletic, and flexible so I can be up for anything you might be
Kraven. Lets not beat around the bush anymore. No need to
Rush into things. I’ve been around for a long time and I look great.Some people
Even think I have so much fun there must be a clone of me.
Don’t make me laugh. Or remind me of such things. You may have
Heard all the things people have said about me. Friends or
Enemies agree. I am spectacular, superior,
Amazing and so much more over the years.
Don’t be a fool and miss out on your one moment in time. Like my aunt always
Says, I’m hotter than wheatcakes.

[Kevin Hellions]

SWAGR (Single White And Gray Rabbit)

Seeking partner for Looney antics and tormenting hunters. Must be equally comfortable going to the opera or a baseball game. Cross dressers ok. PhD preferred.

[Ed Dexter]

Adventurer with One Eye Fixed On Love

After professing my love for another, I found out they loved to eat more than they loved me. Now looking for a new slice (or chunk) of love.
I’m a tall, strong, and handsome(ly dressed) guy who doesn’t like to be chained down.
I like cosplay (especially Superman and Jack Sparrow) and have a sweet tooth for candy bars.
Looking for someone who’s rugged, adventurous, and sees beauty from the inside out.
Serious inquiries can find me at the new Lighthouse Restaurant and Candy Shop in Astoria, OR.

[Grason Joss] [totally not Jason Gross entering twice. Different guy.]

Mine

Looking for my legless stuffed companion, answers to “Mine”.
If you find him, please call me ASAP. May have green tongue paint on his fur, but please do not wash.

[Jay Boven]

Strong Silent Commando seeking Red Haired Beauty

…

[DD]

Sophisticated Jewish Male seeking Sexy Indian Princess

Do you like a man with undeniable panache?
If you can appreciate a fine wine and a great pair of driving moccasins I’m your man.
All women who are not CeCe need not apply.

[Shana B]

Looking for Intergalactic Art Dealer

I need an eye-catching piece to serve as a focal center of attention in my palace.
Must be able to fasten securely to wall, as attempts will inevitably be made to steal it.
Once I have acquired the right piece, I will not give up my favorite decoration.

[Paul Frohm]

Party Planner Needed

Never-nude Analrapist planning coming out party!
Spring 2013 heralds my return to the limelight and a celebration is in order.
Not looking to purchase party supplies yet, but you could say I’m buy-curious.
Must be proficient in banner.