Irrefutable Proof that Television Lied to You: TV Weddings

by Kevin Hellions @TeamHellions

There are many great things about being young and single: drinking, being hung over, pissing through money to name a few. Possibly the greatest of them all: complete enjoyment of television shows without any debate.

Back then I could hold anything I saw on TV as the gospel truth. Problems were solved in half an hour. The very cute girl next door will love you and take your virginity no matter how nerdy you are. There were other weekly “truths”, but is anything really going to beat that example?

to the next generation of Kevin Arnolds: NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

Soon, reality comes along and hits you across the face with work and bills and a partner who demands a commitment. We all strive to be better than our parents. We damn sure strive better than our friends. So with parents and friends eliminated as targets to outshine there is only one place left to turn. Television.

Well television is a fucking liar.

So many things have happened on the “classic wedding episode” of TV shows that many people now expect it in real life. Truth is, real life is much more complicated than any show has captured. On the flip side, the events from the shows wouldn’t lead to a great ‘real life’ wedding. If anything they’d lead to the end of a relationship, becoming the scorn of family and friends, and possible jail time.

READ ALSO: The 50 Greatest Sitcoms of All Time

Let’s look at some television wedding events and how this would play out in the real world:


Calling your partner the wrong name during your vows

Oh wasn’t it so funny when Ross got married on Friends and he said Rachel’s name instead of Emily’s and then Emily still married him? Yeah. That would never fucking happen!

Just for fun I asked my friends through Facebook and Twitter if any of them would go through with a wedding after his/her soon-to-be-spouse said the wrong name. Here are some of the responses:

  • “I’ve spent an hour trying to think of a reason I would still go through with it….but no. No way.”
  • “Do they let people in prison get married?”
  • “Sure. To the closest single guy who ISN’T the one who said someone else’s name.”

Guys, it’s better to say no name than the wrong name. By not saying any name you can blame nerves. Maybe you’ll even look all sweet and sentimental. But the wrong name? Your soon-to-be (but probably not after this) wife will forever think that is the name of someone you want to be having sex with instead of her.


Backing out of your wedding at the last minute

Where did this idea come from that a couple can back out at the last minute and then have a smaller wedding and everyone is fine with this?

Take my wedding for an example. I know how much it cost and I know how far people had to travel. Plane tickets and hotel rooms were booked half a year in advance. Cross country trips were made. If during any of that, especially the day of, we decided “You know what? This is all too much. Let’s just get married in front of two people and a recently ordained minister.”, two families full of people would have killed us.

Number of people who find these moments in TV shows funny? In the millions. Number of people who would forgive you in such a situation? Zero!

Hell, even the guests at a cheap impulse wedding would be pissed off if you got “cold feet”.

Run Aunt Becky, Run!  Right into the arms of Cru Jones!

Finally, no one thinks it’s funny for an ex to show up. It’s not cute, it’s not a beautiful love story, and nothing will end up as a funny half hour story. Other than having a child, planning a wedding is the most stressful event of a couple’s lives. Hours of preparation, trying to come up with money, and the countless arguments become a badge of honor.

The reason they cry in front of God, family and friends is because of the incredible sense of accomplishment and relief. You both worked hard and dammit you deserve it.

It even happened on New Girl.  Damn her quirky adventures!

And chances are if your ex shows up you might even mistakenly say his or her name, and then we’re back to the first example.


Kevin Hellions is the creator of Team Hellions.  Hailing from upstate New York, you can find him enjoying everything from 2CW to the Young Adult (meaning comic book) section of the local library.  He can be reached on the Twitters @TeamHellions, on Facebook (or LIKE theTeam Hellions page) and on his very own blog


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