Tank’s Toy Chest 2: My Life Flashed Before My Thighs

I am going to go off base with this episode, for this was supposed to be a column about various items of my collection that fanboys might dig on. This article I am going to discuss an item I own that no one in their right mind would ever want.

It would never sell on eBay and it’s not mint in box. It was the first toy that I can remember that I first got and still own to this day. When I was 2 or 3 I received a stuffed animal as gift, I think it was from one of my great grandfather. It was so long ago that I don’t even remember what it originally looked like.

As of now, this thing is missing it’s eyes, nose, and most of its stuffing. Its color has faded to purple, I bring this up because his name is Blue Bunny (not very clever, WTF I was 2 years old). So why am I talking about a childhood toy no one would care about except for me?

For a 30 to 45 minute stretch I saw my life flash before my eyes. All my triumphs, regrets, failures and hopes zipped before my eyes.

The backstory: Last Monday every time I sat down I felt a tenderness down in the old dangle bag. It felt like I was getting kicked in the nuts every time I sat down. I sadly blew if off after some ibuprofen eased the aches.

I then began to have symptoms of urinary tract infec.. OK well we have now reached TMI territory, oh wait- we haven’t yet. Continue. To make long story short (too late), I’m going to jump ahead to Saturday. After abdominal pains and issues with urinating I had to see a doctor.

not mine

After a decent wait I finally went into the exam room. After a quick pee in a cup and a good 10 minutes of Scramble with Friends my doctor finally arrived. After running down my symptoms the only conclusion would be to check the old Dream Team from the Inseam. So she asked me to take down my pants (RECORD SCRATCH). Sure did have a female doctor! Another first for me.

I took it all in stride and didn’t think anything of it (think about baseball, think about baseball). Kidding. After a thorough exam of my marble pouch and um, prostrate (REGULATORS! Lube up), the doc said she was concerned with a large unusual lump in there. BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMM!

A what in the who now? “Yeah we will need to ultrasound your testicles.”

Shit just got real. A tech who happened to be at the clinic on his day off to finish paperwork graciously agreed to do the ultrasound. During the next 15 minutes of waiting all I could do was to think about what my life will be like if this is what I think it is.

My wife, my kids, my friends and childhood were heavy in my thoughts. I bet if they checked my blood pleasure at this point it would have been through the roof. More excruciating minutes later the doctor returned and gave me the news. My diagnosis was Epididymitis – a medical condition in which there is inflammation of the epididymis (a curved structure at the back of the testicle). All I needed was a pill to clear it all up.

Crisis averted. Life back to normal. A quick call to the wife and a pickup of my medicine with a kick in my step as it was time to head back to reality. Back to the wife, the kids, my friends. Back to the triumphs, regrets. failures and hopes. Back to my toys, back to my Blue Bunny, a symbol of simplifier times.

Childhood, a time when we didn’t worry about those things you need to focus on when you are an adult. In those long 45 minutes of waiting I realized how special everything and everyone in my life is to me.

Especially some piece of felt and fur, remnants of a time gone by. Blue Bunny, this article is for you. Aw shit- the dog is tearing it up, I gotta go!

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