Is there a WebMD for automobiles?

If you Google ‘WebMD for cars’ the results are kind of murky.  I expected to see at least three or four featured websites at the top of the page touting themselves as the best online location to diagnose your sick car.  Maybe I should compile a team of certified auto technicians and car experts, recruit a web designer, and register a catchy domain name.  Nah, too much work.  Somebody get on that and let me know how it turns out.

A few years ago, my car started to make a funny noise.  Happens to everybody at some point, right?  Things like this always scare the bejeezus out of me because I know as much about cars as my mom knows about the 1990 Cincinnati Reds bullpen.  When something goes wrong with my car I am at the complete mercy of the closest person supplying advice or a diagnosis.

I was tooling down the highway one South Carolina summer morning when what sounded like a can of green beans fell out from underneath my car and began dragging on the pavement.  I arrived at work and solicited the help of my coworkers.  “What does it mean when canned goods fall off of your undercarriage?”, I asked.  After clarifying that this was an auto-related query and not something that a Valtrex perscription could clear up, one of my “friends” said, “Let me take a look at it, probably something common.”  He made his way out to the parking lot with a confident stride, reminiscent of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin stomping down the ramp to a WWE ring to give Vince McMahon the how-to and the what-for.  After a brief inspection of my undercarriage, he somehow gathered his thoughts and summoned the ability to deliver the most dead serious straight faced diagnosis he could.  “It’s your flange.  Call Firestone and just tell them you need a new flange for a 1994 Oldsmobile”, he enlightened me.  “It’s not a big deal, they should have one in stock, have ya in and out in no time”, he continued.  “That’s great!”, I replied, “I’m so relieved, good thing you know so much about cars!”

I made my way into the office and looked up the nearest Firestone in the yellow pages.  I guess in retrospect I did sort of wonder why he and all of our other coworkers were gathered around to watch me make the call.  I dialed.  The Firestone employee answered the phone.  I confidently explained my “common” problem and awaited his response.  “Your what?”, he inquired.  “What the hell is a flange? Hang on…” [holding the phone away from his face] “Hey Johnny!  Got some guy on the phone sayin’ his Olds needs a new flange?!”  [laughter] “Sir, I’m not sure I understand what it is you need”, he continued [more laughter from the other end of the phone and from my office full of “friends”].  “Umm, I guess I’d better call you back”, I replied and ended the call.  I turned to my cohorts, “No such thing as a flange, is there?”  Their unbridled laughter answered that question.   Sure would be nice to have a website where I could do research when something goes wrong with my car.

Footnote:  to the friend/coworker who “helped” me figure out what was wrong with my car that day:  I know you are reading this and yours is coming… four words for ya…. “I need some shoes!”