Remember those Isotoner commercials from back in the day? Most of them featured clean cut quarterback Dan Marino of the Miami Dolphins telling us stories of how Isotoner gloves can “take care of the hands that take care of you.”
THEY WERE ALL LIES! LIES, I TELL YOU, LIES!
These TV commercials deceived everyone into thinking that gloves were the perfect Christmas gift. GLOVES. The boyish good looks of Dan Marino combined with Isotoner’s marketing propaganda deceived American Christmas shoppers everywhere. They made adults think that Isotoners were better than a new Casio watch or the latest Hall and Oates cassette. They made parents believe that it was more important that kids keep their hands warm (with gloves) than occupied (with a new Atari 2600 cartridge).
Kids in the 80s didn’t want gloves. Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t there pockets in our NFL Starter jackets? Could you really form perfectly round snowballs and throw them accurately at your friends’ heads while wearing gloves? Putting Isotoner gloves in a kid’s stocking was like gifting a Garfield thermos full of yellow snow. It looked like a really nice gift on the outside…”Oh, what a nice Thermos that probably contains my grandmother’s homemade soup to keep me warm inside all day while I build my snow fort.” But in reality, it was just a cleverly disguised vat of cat urine that our parents believed was useful. Yes, gloves are cat pee.
However, it wasn’t their fault. These commercials brainwashed our parents into buying gloves instead of the stuff we really wanted like GoBots, M.U.S.C.L.E. figures, or Viewmaster discs.
It’s time to wake up and smell the tanned leather lies, people! The real truth behind Isotoner gloves and Dan Marino must finally be exposed:
Exhibit A. Dan wants you to believe A.) that he buys Christmas presents for his entire team, and B.) that professional football players want Isotoner gloves for Christmas. Okay, so your whole career depends on the support of your football team (mainly your offensive line) and you’re gonna reward them with a pair of gloves? You know the minute those 300 pound lineman received their gifts, some lanes to the quarterback would suddenly open up for defensive ends the following Sunday. And when is the last time you saw a receiver wearing a stylish pair of Isotoners during a game? Guess I missed the Isotoner gift packs that came with a can of stickum spray. And people wonder why Marino never won a Super Bowl.
In this commercial, Dan wants you to think that people simply can’t contain themselves when think they might be getting Isotoners for Christmas. Really? Did they somehow appreciate in value? Were they the hot ticket item at Toys R’ Us? NO, they were gloves. It wasn’t like hundred dollar bills were randomly hidden inside specially-marked boxes. Kids weren’t rummaging through their parents closet just to see if they got a new pair of Isotoners that year. It’s called artificial demand. And I know this because if gloves had been this popular, kids would’ve earmarked the glove page in the Sears catalog.
In this ad, Isotoners decided on behalf of men everywhere that form-fitting gloves are all they needed for Christmas. ALL they needed. WOW. It’s plain to see now why they hired Dan…one of the female execs got too bold. I can’t believe that they flat-out tried to brainwash guys to be satisfied with putting just a pair of gloves on their Christmas list so they can buy fur coats for their wives. I know VCRs went for like $800 in ’84 so wouldn’t those be a more comparable gift to mink?
Christmas shopping is murder on your poor mom’s feet! And just think- the lengths she went to to find that specific G.I. Joe action figure you wanted, stomping to store after store in those high-heeled winter boots. Way to lay on the guilt trip Isotoner! We might as well just spend our hard-earned driveway shoveling income on new slippers for mom and just forget Christmas!
Luckily, it seems Santa caught on to Isotoner’s evil plan at some point and sent some of his underworld elves to their marketing department.
With the technology boom over the last decade, Isotoner finally found their place in the Christmas season- they’re no longer claiming to be the only gift you need, and they ‘take care of the technology that takes care of you’.
Jason Gross (@SockOfFleagulls) is the creator of Rediscover the 80s and loves to subject his two sons to cartoons, TV, movies, and music from the decade. Currently promoting a M.A.S.K. live-action movie script (co-writer), he enjoys freelance writing about 80s music & pop culture.
“gloves are cat pee.” The best quote of 2013.
I think I resent that quote!