Five of the Worst VHS Tapes a Guy Can Own

I am a huge fan of VHS. I love them. Plain and simple. It’s a dangerous addiction that I try to fight, but  it comes back and hits me when I least expect it. In fact, at one point I had so many VHS in my collection I was up to almost 500. While that’s not as much as others, it got way out of hand.

With almost 500 VHS tapes, not every one of them are going to be watchable. In fact, some are so awful I can hardly watch unless I’m doing chores or have insomnia. Some movies I just purchased because they were there, and as a VHS collector sometimes you just grab everything you see. Maybe I didn’t need a copy of Kidd Video, but my passion wouldn’t let me stop there. That said (with credit to my dear friend Thomas Bryce of ShitMovieFest for inspiration of this article), I present to you my top 5 worst VHS tapes I’ve ever owned.

5. Hulk Hogan’s Rock N’ Wrestling

As a pro wrestling fan, you take the good with the bad. And when it comes to bad, Hulk Hogan is King Bad. He can entertain, but man his wrestling makes you want to go blind. Now, what if I told you he had his own Saturday morning cartoon? Yeah. He did.

The Hulkster would team up with WWF Superstars of the day to fight off the tomfoolery of Roddy Piper and his bad guy brigade. Except he didn’t voice himself. In fact, no wrestlers voiced themselves. That was the least of the problem (although Uncle Phil of Fresh Prince fame voicing Junkyard Dog was pretty cool). Nothing made sense. In fact, it was so bad they sent all the wrestlers into space. Yes. You read right. This piece of garbage was popular amongst young wrestling fans, but it did nothing but prove that wrestling itself wasn’t a giant cartoon.

4. A Bunny’s Tale

A young, slim and sexy Kirstie Alley dons a Playboy Bunny outfit. That’s all I needed to buy this movie. Apparently there was a plot involving some chick named Gloria Steinem, but I didn’t notice.

This movie was nothing spectacular, unless you count capturing Kirstie Alley being sexy on camera. Paying 25 cents for this will haunt me forever.

3. Ninja Rap: A Video Single

In 1990, The Ice Age began. Robert Van Winkel AKA Vanilla Ice, became one of the biggest stars in the world with his memorable hit “Ice Ice Baby”. By 1991, no one cared and he performed his next “mega-hit” in the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  Ninja Rap was born. While it was a moderately cool song, Ice’s career was melting away. Sadly, this VHS documented it with behind the scenes footage of the making of this spectacular single, eventually leading up to the big performance. I picked this up at a Goodwill out of morbid curiosity. I should’ve kept walking…into a wall. That probably would’ve been less painful than watching “The Ice Man” talk about himself.

Before it’s asked why “Cool As Ice” didn’t make it to this list, I never owned it on VHS and don’t plan on doing so anytime soon. Now, “Buster” starring Phil Collins is another story….another story that shall wait for another time.

2. G.I. Joe: Infestation Island

I love G.I. Joe. I love G.I. Joe cartoons. The problem is, the DIC series was such a steamy pile of crap that it made you wish for Helen Keller to sandpaper your balls while laying on a bed of nails. No good came from these cartoons and no good ever will. While the original Sunbow series was loved and respected as a fun and enjoyable cartoon, this series was not.

Episodes included a football game between Cobra and the Joes, Cobra taking over a Kindergarten class, Sgt. Slaughter going crazy over his shaving cream and more. While not surprising this was released on VHS, it IS horrifying to know it recently got released on DVD.  I have not picked it up yet. If I feel the need to watch the wackiness between Metal Head and his grandmother (who was a recurring character), maybe I’ll pick it up.

…I won’t.

1. Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos

Yes, just like Mr. T and Hulk Hogan, Chuck Norris had his own cartoon where he…

Well, I’ll be honest with you, I made it 10 minutes in before throwing it across the room. From what I took, the Big C lead a group of ugly multicultural teenagers to fight…well, I didn’t make it that far. It was probably a diamond thief or an anthropomorphic shark with an eye patch. This cartoon is so bad.

The premise was just so silly and the fact that an 80 year old man was leading a bunch of teenagers on a mission to Africa or whatever, hurts my head so much. I should point out that much like every cartoon in the 80s, this had an action figure line. I actually would be lying if I said I didn’t have any. My brother and I had two Chuck Norris figures, but that’s where the fun ended.

Again, it should come as no surprise that this was released on DVD through Warner Brothers. If you can put up with this monstrosity, go for it, you’d be better than me.

So, what do you think? Would you place these nightmares on YOUR list? Please share your thoughts and your opinions in the comments section.

Chad E. Young‘s love of G.I. Joe knows no bounds. He travelled from DC to Canada to meet Larry Hama. He once talked a toy dealer down from $100 to $35 for a beat up Terrordrome. He’s seen every episode of each cartoon from the Sunbow, DIC, and yes…EVEN G.I. Joe Extreme. He happens to know a thing or two about wrestling, too.