With tax season coming up, we all have to make sure everything is in perfect order to avoid hearing from Uncle Sam. What better way for us novices to prepare, than taking it to a very experienced taxman?
Even better: what if your taxman was none other than late 1980s Cobra sensation, Raptor? Yep, that’s right! Before Raptor joined the elite Cobra organization, he was William Q. Herberts III, Tax-Master! After years of hiding out in Salt Lake City, Utah avoiding his past as an international laughing stock, he’s finally come to terms with his bird loving alter-ego.
New contributor Chad E. Young scored UnderScoopFire’s first G.I. Joe Alumni interview. He’ll be conducting interviews with many of the notable G.I. Joe characters of the past to find out about their careers in G.I. Joe, Cobra and beyond. His first subject has been quite elusive in the past few years. Recently, Chad sat down with the tax-artist formerly known as Raptor.
USF: Raptor, thanks for joining us today. It’s an absolute honor.
Raptor: Well, thank you very much. I should be thanking you for having me.
USF: You joined the ranks of Cobra in 1987, correct?
Raptor: 1987 sounds right.
USF: How did that opportunity come about?
Raptor: Well, you ever see those ads for career fairs at minor league baseball stadiums?
USF: Yes I have! So, Cobra held a career fair?
Raptor: Not really. Ya see, I had just picked up tickets to a North Dakota Raptors game with the kids and I saw Destro walk by. The kids were all excited and wanted an autograph and photo with him. He happily obliged, which was pretty impressive. A weapons genius still had time for the kids, ya know? Anyway, we started chatting a little bit, passed the doobies back and forth in the women’s bathroom and we got to discussing job opportunities. Turns out, with all the licensing and merchandising Cobra were pounding out, they needed some to keep tabs on what was coming in and coming out. I happily accepted.
HUGE Minor League Baseball fan
USF: Wow…that’s…that’s not what I expected at all.
Raptor: Eh. It is what it is. Anyway, the next week, I gave Destro a call and he asked me to come out to the Terrordrome to discuss the offer. Going into a terrorist organization headquarters in the swamp sounds pretty risky, am I right? Well, it couldn’t have been more pleasant. I was greeted by Destro, Baroness and one of the other newbies, I believe it was Crystal Ball, right at the door. Gotta admit, when I first saw Crystal Ball, I remember snickering and saying to myself “At least I don’t have to wear one of those goofy looking outfits”(laughs). I met with Cobra Commander and got a tour of the place. Beautiful interior design by the way. From what I was told later on, Major Bludd designed the rumpus room.
USF: So, you were hired right then and there?
"What was I supposed to do? Do YOU want to continue keeping the books?"
Raptor: Kind of. After smoking more doobies in the women’s bathroom on the eighth level, Cobra Commander told me I was hired. I said “terrific” and he said “only if you dress like a giant bird”. Again, I said “terrific”.
USF: Wow…maybe you should stop smoking in women’s bathrooms.
Raptor:Actually, I’ve only done it twice in my life. Every time it has to do with jobs…
Should've been Codename: Johnson for so many reasons
USF: HUH?!?!
Raptor: Probably didn’t come out the way I wanted that too. Anyway, after being given the job, I was told they had the outfit ready to try on. I tried it on and thought it was pretty silly, but they were offering some pretty damn fine benefit packages and I didn’t really have to go out into battle. It was kind of a double-edged sword. Ironically, we couldn’t use the name Falcon, because the Joes had just inducted a new member with the same code-name, so I suggested Raptor. Since it was my idea, I can use the name Raptor wherever I wanted, but they own the suit. That’s no problem. I hated the cowl, by the way. That thing was pretty obnoxious and outlandish.
USF: You were also given a live falcon, correct?
Raptor: Ah yes, Billy the Falcon! A very loyal bird. I once trained him to participate on the annual Cobra Panty Raid. The women never saw it coming.
USF: What happened to Billy?
Raptor: Well…One of the female Cobra Viper’s shot him after the panty raid. Billy never saw it coming.
USF: Really?
Raptor: Yep. Feathers everywhere. Total mess. I didn’t have to pay for it though, so whatever.
USF: Right after you joined, you were given an action figure.
Raptor: Yes. A pretty big achievement to have a doll in your image. My kids were pretty popular in school, ya know.
USF: I bet.
Raptor: My only problem was Croc Master. He and I didn’t like each other in the least. He always said his figure was better. I always thought his figure was cool, but all he came with was a stupid gator. Idiot. I came with a set of wings! Kids could throw me off the roof and I’d fly. And I came with Billy! Beat that Croc Master!
USF: I see.
Raptor: And don’t get me started on Big Boa. He hardly said anything to begin with but he came with “boxing gloves“. Wow. His mask looked goofy too. I gotta say- my doll was the most popular toy in that entire line’s history!
USF: You do?
Raptor: Yeah! Kids love birds and dolls, so why wouldn’t they want a doll of a guy dressed like a bird! It’s pretty far out.
USF: Far out is right.
Raptor: Put me next to a doll like that dolt Metal Head, and I look pretty damn impressive. Except the stupid cowl.
USF: Ok…uh…fair enough. You appeared in the 1990 G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero NES video game as a “boss” at the end of a level. For those who may not be aware, a “boss” refers to a bad guy at the end of the level that you have to beat in order to move on through the game.
Raptor: Oh boy. Now you’re entering some dangerous territory (laughs and takes a sip of his coffee). When I was approached to appear, I had about 10 demands. I wanted at LEAST 45% of the sales, but they told me no. I then said I wanted creative control. They said no. I said I wanted to be on the cover, since my doll was one of the all time best sellers in toy history. They also said no. Then I said…
USF: I’m starting to see where this is going. Moving on, did you have any relationships with any of the other members of Cobra that you have fond memories of?
Raptor: Not really. A random Cobra Viper invited me to a poker tournament, but that was it.
USF: No juicy stories about you and the Dreadnoks hanging out or you drinking with the Baroness?
Raptor: No and no. The Dreadnoks were way too loud and obnoxious. Weren’t bad people, but I’m afraid they were just too darn loud. And Baroness wasn’t my type. Zarana on the other hand…well…
USF: HOLD THE PHONE!!! You and Zarana?
Raptor: Well, I admired her from afar. At that point in my life, I was going through a messy divorce and what with the doll being released, I thought I was untouchable. I asked Zarana out one day and she turned me down. Fair enough, right? So, then I took it upon myself to drill a peep hole in the women’s shower to watch her shower and got caught. By her brothers. And got beaten up. And then discharged. Cobra Commander told me that I was an ego-maniac. ME?!?!? REALLY?!?! Come on!!! How are you going to get rid of the biggest money maker in all of Cobra? I don’t see any of those other losers in Cobra having FRICKIN’ WINGS do you?!?
USF: Well, Nemesis Enforcer did.
Raptor: Cobra La wasn’t even real. It was just a big hallucination by Serpentor. He was coming off some nasty drugs at that point, pretty hard too.
USF: Really? You’re revealing to all of the Cobra fans that Cobra La wasn’t real?
Raptor: Sure am. Besides, you can take their word or the word of the guy who has sold more dolls than anyone in Cobra history.
USF: Have you been contacted recently to be a part of the new movies or an updated action figure?
Raptor: Nah. I put all that stuff behind me. I don’t have time for it. My tax business is the biggest tax firm in the entire world. Also, having the greatest toy in history made in your honor kinda makes it difficult to be a normal guy. In fact, I got stopped the other day for an autograph. The kid threw it out when he found out I wasn’t Adam West, but for now I’m living the dream. Huge house, 19 cars, 4 kids, a swimming pool filled with Jell-O, and a garage stocked with all the dolls that didn’t sell. Billy is stuffed and mounted in the living room- freaks kids out all the time, but it’s pretty cool.
Stately Raptor Manor
USF: Raptor, thank you for your time today.
Raptor: No problem. It was kinda fun. Say, how’d you like a signed figure? Still in the package.
USF: Um…why not?
Raptor: Allright, great! That’ll be $400 for the figure and $80 for the autograph.
Chad E. Young‘s love of G.I. Joe knows no bounds. He travelled from DC to Canada to meet Larry Hama. He once talked a toy dealer down from $100 to $35 for a beat up Terrordrome. He’s seen every episode of each cartoon from the Sunbow, DIC, and yes…EVEN G.I. Joe Extreme. He happens to know a thing or two about wrestling, too.
Gotta say that doctored up Beastmaster pic made me LOL. Nice work on the interview!
Thanks Jason! I’m really proud to know the secrets of that arrogant prick Raptor’s life has been made public. I can’t tell you how much more I had to cut due to his general obnoxiousness. including a story about he tried to book his own in-store signing.
haha! Can’t wait for more ‘exclusives’!
Great job. It’s nice get the truth straight from the bird’s mouth.
That was PERFECT. Nice work!
HA! Yes, we are quite proud of our new GI Joe contributor and his ability to snag the elusive and exclusive interviews. Looking forward to more soon!