It always happens about this time of year…. it starts with the hustle and bustle of last minute shopping.
We can never remember to get that office party gift earlier than the night before, can we? So we head out into the cold night, jump in our car, and crank up the Christmas music to help us get through the travesty that lies ahead.
We try to find a parking space in the same zip code of the store we need. The Salvation Army bell ringer greets us at the front for what seems to be the 20th time this month. We tell him we’ll get him on the way out and rush inside the store, only to figure out that the gift we need is all the way in the back. So we press on through the herd of Christmas cattle, snag the gift, and proceed to the Six Flags rollercoaster line known as the checkout.
At long last we head out of the store, passing the bell ringer giving us the dirty look, and make it back to the car…then it happens. After being through Christmas hell, you crank up the car and hear THAT Christmas song…the one that sucks the very Christmas life out of you.
You’ve either heard it a million times this season and that millionth and one time just takes you over the edge, or it’s that one you’ve been trying to avoid the entire month.
The frustration and anger stirs and you picture yourself in that Angels With Filthy Souls scene from Home Alone…wishing you had a tommy gun to PUMP THIS SONG FULL OF LEAD!
Well, Christmas miracles do still happen, so I suggest putting your most hated Christmas songs on Santa’s hit list. He has already answered the requests of numerous good little boys and girls and “whacked” several 80s songs from Christmas existence. And if it weren’t for grave robbers like me, you’d probably never hear these messed-up tunes ever again. But trust me, I’m only bringing these songs back from dead to empty one final clip into their decaying bodies.
The 5 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time:
Max Headroom, “Merry Christmas Santa Claus”
Max Headroom definitely belongs in the halls of 80s pop culture, but man…this is just bad. There are so many things wrong with this song that it’s hard to know where to begin! It seems that I have missed the part in the Bible where baby Jesus looks up at his “mama” and tells her “Merry Christmas Santa Claus, you’re a lovely guy!” WHO IN THE NAME OF BETHLEHEM WROTE THIS SONG??? Combine the incredibly horrible singing and the fact that a television is singing this song POSITIONED AT A PIANO and you’ve got the largest pile of yellow snow this world has ever witnessed. I’m very glad Santa took a sledgehammer to this loud-mouthed TV set.
Timbuk 3, “All I Want For Christmas”
This song is proof positive that these guys were a one hit wonder for a reason. You would think lyrics like “all I want for Christmas is world peace” would give any song a powerful message during the holidays. Not the case here. Beyond the drunken eggnog vocals that resonate throughout the entire song, are lyrics that seem to be a Toys ‘R ‘Us store inventory list from 1986. Thankfully, I think it’s safe to say that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of this song ever making it onto any radio station ever again. The first step to world peace was Santa nuking this song.
Bryan Adams, “Reggae Christmas”
Okay, so some of you are probably saying “what’s wrong with a Canadian singing reggae?” To those people I give you Darrin O’Brien (aka: Snow) and his song “Informer”. The music video to Reggae Christmas is an 80s riot unleashed. Doesn’t it seem weird to anyone else that they didn’t include any Jamaicans in the video except for Pee Wee Herman in a dreadlock wig? This song just screams to me that MTV sat down with Bryan and said “Hey, we are doing a Jamaican Christmas party, give us a song.” Hey Mon, Santa wouldn’t even listen to this song during his next Jamaican vacation!
R2-D2, “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”
I know I’m already getting a dose of Canadian backlash, so why not some geek backlash too! This song smells worse than a Tautaun roasting over an open fire. I hope everyone does realize that they are singing this song TO A FREAKIN’ ROBOT!!! Most notably about this song is that it was the first (and luckily not the last) recording of one Jon Bon Jovi. Personally, I’d rather hear Chewbacca sing silent night before listening to this piece of space trash. I really wouldn’t be surprised if Santa has kept that light saber I’ve been asking for over the last 25 years, to melee every last Star Wars Christmas album in the universe.
Weird Al, “Christmas At Ground Zero”
As much as I love Weird Al, I think someone should have checked his radiation levels before making this song. Peanut butter & jelly…Captain & Tenille…Christmas & nuclear war? Just doesn’t have that natural pairing as some other things in this world. I could be wrong, but I think Santa actually brought Reagan and Gorbachev together to collectively push the red button and mushroom cloud this song into oblivion.
BONUS SONG! The worst 80s Christmas cover/parody of all time:
Tommy Tutone “867-5309/Jenny” (2009 Christmas version)
Earlier on UnderScoopFire, I gave my opinion of some of the recent hard rock 80s covers. I’m not sure what to actually call this song. Not sure you can cover your own song. I guess it’s more of a parody, but it’s not on any Bob Rivers parody Christmas albums.
This song is performed by the original artist Tommy Tutone. That’s right, they covered their own song!! AND RELEASED IT!! This just seems like a total sell out of their one and only hit record to me, or the product of a triple dog dare.
Jason Gross (@SockOfFleagulls) is the creator of Rediscover the 80s and loves to subject his two sons to cartoons, TV, movies, and music from the decade. Currently promoting a M.A.S.K. live-action movie script (co-writer), he is a freelance 80s music & pop culture writer.