Christmas Songs Over-Analyzed: Wham! “Last Christmas”

It’s that time again.

 

The holiday season is upon us, and it’s time for me to over-analyze another song. So it’s two times then. Holiday and song time. Nevermind.

If you’re unfamiliar with my history of detailed, unnecessary analysis of song lyrics- check out my breakdown of Psy’s Gangnam Style and DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince’s Summertime.

With regard to being funny, these are the hardest I will ever try. Know that going in, and judge me if you will.

Let me lead off by saying that the songs I over-analyze are not targets. They are songs I love dearly, but feel the need to pick apart line by line until the essence of the song is no longer comprehensible.

Wham! Last Christmas. Let’s do this.


Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special

As many times as I hear this song, I’ll never get over this one little sticking point. THE NEXT FUCKING DAY?

Who does that? Why even accept the gift in the first place?

“Oh- I’ll just gracefully accept this person’s heart and then kick that shit to the curb as soon as they leave tomorrow.” Nice play, dick whistle.

And give it away? GIVE? You couldn’t even try to sell it? Make a buck man, put it on Craigslist. I understand if you don’t want to deal with eBay, it has become a buyers’ market over the last few years, but good God at least get fair market value for it. Stash it in your attic until spring and trot it out for a garage sale! Heart. $2.

The next damn day. Unbelievable. And for all we know, they opened presents on Christmas Eve (because who doesn’t do that, especially when the gift you’re giving is your goddamn heart- there’s no way you could patiently sit on that whopper).

So if that’s the case, that means this no good low-life (I’d say heartless, but they’ve JUST been given one) pile of ass garbage gave away someone’s heart on CHRISTMAS DAY?! Come on. Who’s even open? Or did you just throw it at the first passerby? Some guy walkin’ his dog down your street, you fling open your front door and shotput a heart in his general direction? Ridiculous.

And who would even accept the heart of a stranger from someone who KNOWS the heart’s original owner and has obviously deemed this gift heart as an unworthy possession?

I gotta back off from this, I’m gettin’ hot.

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye

Ya think? Yeah, I’d consider someone giving my heart away on Christmas a “once bitten” scenario. Keeping your distance is a given at this point, but it’s the next line that really bothers me.

The person who committed this unforgivable act still catches your eye? How shallow are you? I don’t care if my ex makes Hayley Atwell look like Stan Sitwell, I still wouldn’t gaze in the direction of that dirty heart-poaching bastard. They gave away your heart, man! Leave it alone.

Tell me baby
Do you recognize me?
Well
It’s been a year
It doesn’t surprise me

That a-hole doesn’t even recognize the person they engaged in a one-sided heart exchange with? I bought a mini-fridge at a Sears six years ago and I’d still recognize the employee that helped me. Get over yourself.

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying “I love you”
I meant it

Good thing they put a note with it. That would be an unsettling parcel to open with no accompanying explanation:

UPS is gonna want a signature for this

Now I know what a fool I’ve been
But if you kissed me now
I know you’d fool me again

You know what they say- ‘fool me once, shame on you; give away my most vital internal organ, shame on me’.

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I’m hiding from you
And your soul of ice

Hey! I think Foreigner did a song about this same person.

My god I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me?
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

And an unwitting organ donor.

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now I’ve found a real love you’ll never fool me again

Wait, did you give them your heart or did they tear you apart to get to it? Because this would change everything.

Maybe next year I’ll give it to someone
I’ll give it to someone special.

Wait- you’re gonna do it all over again next year? What was all that ‘twice shy’ talk? Some people never learn.

 

Howie Decker (@HowardtheDeck) is the co-creator and editor of UnderScoopFire. He likes fantasy baseball & taco night. You can read his Letter from the Editor here.

Lyrics courtesy azlyrics.com

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