Christmas Songs Over-Analyzed: Wham! “Last Christmas”

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by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

in Christmas, Songs Overanalyzed

It’s that time again.

 

The holiday season is upon us, and it’s time for me to over-analyze another song. So it’s two times then. Holiday and song time. Nevermind.

If you’re unfamiliar with my history of detailed, unnecessary analysis of song lyrics- check out my breakdown of Psy’s Gangnam Style and DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince’s Summertime.

With regard to being funny, these are the hardest I will ever try. Know that going in, and judge me if you will.

Let me lead off by saying that the songs I over-analyze are not targets. They are songs I love dearly, but feel the need to pick apart line by line until the essence of the song is no longer comprehensible.

Wham! Last Christmas. Let’s do this.


Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special

As many times as I hear this song, I’ll never get over this one little sticking point. THE NEXT FUCKING DAY?

Who does that? Why even accept the gift in the first place?

“Oh- I’ll just gracefully accept this person’s heart and then kick that shit to the curb as soon as they leave tomorrow.” Nice play, dick whistle.

And give it away? GIVE? You couldn’t even try to sell it? Make a buck man, put it on Craigslist. I understand if you don’t want to deal with eBay, it has become a buyers’ market over the last few years, but good God at least get fair market value for it. Stash it in your attic until spring and trot it out for a garage sale! Heart. $2.

The next damn day. Unbelievable. And for all we know, they opened presents on Christmas Eve (because who doesn’t do that, especially when the gift you’re giving is your goddamn heart- there’s no way you could patiently sit on that whopper).

So if that’s the case, that means this no good low-life (I’d say heartless, but they’ve JUST been given one) pile of ass garbage gave away someone’s heart on CHRISTMAS DAY?! Come on. Who’s even open? Or did you just throw it at the first passerby? Some guy walkin’ his dog down your street, you fling open your front door and shotput a heart in his general direction? Ridiculous.

And who would even accept the heart of a stranger from someone who KNOWS the heart’s original owner and has obviously deemed this gift heart as an unworthy possession?

I gotta back off from this, I’m gettin’ hot.

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye

Ya think? Yeah, I’d consider someone giving my heart away on Christmas a “once bitten” scenario. Keeping your distance is a given at this point, but it’s the next line that really bothers me.

The person who committed this unforgivable act still catches your eye? How shallow are you? I don’t care if my ex makes Hayley Atwell look like Stan Sitwell, I still wouldn’t gaze in the direction of that dirty heart-poaching bastard. They gave away your heart, man! Leave it alone.

Tell me baby
Do you recognize me?
Well
It’s been a year
It doesn’t surprise me

That a-hole doesn’t even recognize the person they engaged in a one-sided heart exchange with? I bought a mini-fridge at a Sears six years ago and I’d still recognize the employee that helped me. Get over yourself.

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying “I love you”
I meant it

Good thing they put a note with it. That would be an unsettling parcel to open with no accompanying explanation:

UPS is gonna want a signature for this

Now I know what a fool I’ve been
But if you kissed me now
I know you’d fool me again

You know what they say- ‘fool me once, shame on you; give away my most vital internal organ, shame on me’.

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I’m hiding from you
And your soul of ice

Hey! I think Foreigner did a song about this same person.

My god I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me?
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

And an unwitting organ donor.

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now I’ve found a real love you’ll never fool me again

Wait, did you give them your heart or did they tear you apart to get to it? Because this would change everything.

Maybe next year I’ll give it to someone
I’ll give it to someone special.

Wait- you’re gonna do it all over again next year? What was all that ‘twice shy’ talk? Some people never learn.

 

Howie Decker (@HowardtheDeck) is the co-creator and editor of UnderScoopFire. He likes fantasy baseball & taco night. You can read his Letter from the Editor here.

Lyrics courtesy azlyrics.com

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Fogs November 28, 2012 at 3:15 pm

God bless the internet.

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Howie Decker November 28, 2012 at 3:25 pm

you know you love it Fogs. I picture you as one of the guys in the 80s ski lodge party in the music video for this song.

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Will November 28, 2012 at 3:28 pm

See, I never thought it was the VERY next day, despite what he says. I figured he was taking temporal liberties. I think, pretty much, anything up until around January 7th can count as “the day after Christmas”. I mean, the egg nog’s flowing, and people’s sense of time gets cloudy.

Plus, we know he’s not over it, ’cause he wrote a whole damn song about it. The entire song is “please come back because I can see myself doing something to a dude in a public restroom in 15 years if you don’t!”

I also think he’s just poor. “I’m short on farthings this winter, but here’s my heart.” Or maybe he’s like that spouse who gives you homemade coupons for gifts ’cause they didn’t feel like putting though into a gift. We listen to the song, and we feel for George Michael because, well, he’s George Michael. What, if, though, he’d been an asshole boyfriend? Like, “Sorry, bitch. All I’ve got for ya this Christmas is my heart.” Then he laughs and farts on her head. THAT is why she dumped him the next day. Two sides to every story…

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ShezCrafti November 28, 2012 at 3:30 pm

The egg nog was flowing all right. I’m pretty sure the word “heart” is a code for some type of V.D.

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ShezCrafti November 28, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE! George Michael is gay?

— 1998 me

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Will November 28, 2012 at 3:32 pm

You clearly never saw the daisy dukes he’s wearing in the Wake Me Up video. I don’t care if it was the 80s. He was telling us all right there, and none of us wanted to acknowledge it.

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ShezCrafti November 28, 2012 at 3:34 pm

My sarcasm obviously failed. D:

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Howie Decker November 28, 2012 at 4:06 pm

you guys are awesome. The two of you always coming through with comments is one of the things that drives me to post this stuff.

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Devon Nealy November 28, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Howie, Not only is this the greatest article/blog/poundhash you’ve ever written, but I think it’s safe to say this is the greatest piece of written work since the Declaration of Independence. I’m probably going to frame this. I’ve never been more proud. I think I speak for the entire human race when I say….Thank You.

P.S. My favorite part was: Heart. $2. But dick whistle was a close running second favorite.

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Howie Decker November 28, 2012 at 4:05 pm

poundhash. kinda makes me hungry for some reason. Thanks for the kind words! I was hoping you’d like it.

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Mr. Serious November 29, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Devon, its clear that you were Howie’s muse when writing this masterpiece.

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Brian Morin November 28, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I was honestly hoping you would over analyze this song. Christmas came early this year! I know a lot of people love it just like you (I’m not one of them), but I’ve always wondered, out of all of the cheesy 80s Christmas songs that were made during that great decade, why does this one seem to have the most staying power? What happened to “Baby It’s Christmas” by Bananarama or “It Doesn’t Often Snow on Christmas” by The Pet Shop Boys? Or Bon Jovi’s “Backdoor Santa”….what was he thinking with that title?

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Jason aka SockofFleagulls November 28, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I’ve been loading up obscure 80s Christmas songs all week onto RD80s Radio…Dec 1st they go live!

As to these overanalyzing song articles…I’d definitely wait two days before tossing them to the side. Awesome stuff Mr. Decker.

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T2H November 28, 2012 at 11:15 pm

I got excited and thought you would be picking apart Bryan Adams “Reggae Christmas.” Oh well. Maybe next year…

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More0_0Than November 29, 2012 at 10:54 am

Is it just me or does this seem a bit “personal” for our dear Howie? Its okay man, just let it go…

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Count Marzo November 29, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Hilarious.

You really need to do these more often!! (I went back and read the older ones as well)

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