An Homage to Social Media & Why I’ll Never Use Twitter

When I was in high school I had absolutely no friends–except for the fact that I had two friends.

When I was in high school I had two friends.

All of them had LiveJournals.

What’s a ‘live journal’?  I dementedly asked one day.

It’s a website where people can keep a journal about their lives, and their friends can read it online; like a public diary! replied my friend.

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

It’s very popular.

So is Paris Hilton. She is also very dumb.

You should try it out.

No thanks. I’ll stick to keeping my private thoughts private and locked away in a book decorated with Mickey Mouse’s face, kept in my bedside table, just the way that God intended.

tell me everything.

What I left out, however, was that I would use this renegade platform of private thought to catch up on the lives of those much cooler than I.

Without actually signing up for the site myself, I freakishly creeped on the LiveJournals of others. I am not ashamed. And yes, I learned a lot.

Then, one day, and much to my dismay, people began to post less and less stories to their LiveJournals.

This is the day that Myspace came to town. You remember this one; the one where “selfies” were born, profile stalking your crush was an acceptable pastime, and actual human interaction begins to fade into a vacant memory of the past.

What about phones? Are we done with those?

The rise of Facebook would say, yes, yes we are indeed. For with Facebook you never need to call a friend again to see how they are doing—simply take a peek at their wall, which is now referred to as their timeline.

dial ‘0’ for the app store

Yes, that’s right, catch up with old friends without even having to hear their voice, reminisce by sharing photos from parties that everyone else has forgotten to remember, and of course, post statuses about yourself so that the world can know how awesome you are.

With such a bustling mode of human social non-interaction, it seemed merely impossible for a new plateau to form. And by impossible I mean nonsensical, because surely one did.

Welcome to the world Twitter: a magical place where going to the supermarket becomes news, privacy becomes passé, and Charlie Sheen will say things that make no sense in any language.

I will never get a Twitter.  Except for the fact that I have one.

However, I will never actively use my Twitter. Why? Well, I just don’t think the world cares about how many steps I took to get to work, etc.

For now, I’ll leave the twatting to Kim Kardashian.

Talia is a Capricorn vegetarian who recently obtained her masters degree in the art of coat checking, after having served as an apprentice for four years in one of NYC’s most highly esteemed titty bars. In her free time she can be found in many a Starbuck, much like a hobo, adding prophetic stories of epic proportion to her blog, thepseudovirgin.com.