Let’s be real here: Cobra Commander had one job—defeat GI Joe. And yet, time and time again, he and his band of baddies managed to fumble victory like it was a football covered in baby oil. You’d think with an army of tech-savvy, weapons-wielding minions (and a guy with a literal metal face), Cobra would’ve pulled off at least one solid win. But no, we got decades of cartoon hijinks where Cobra almost defeated GI Joe—only to botch it spectacularly at the last minute.
Today, we’re counting down the five most laughable moments when Cobra came close to winning but tripped over their own incompetence in the most epic ways possible. Prepare to relive the frustration (and hilarity) as we dive into the times Cobra nearly tasted victory… but couldn’t seal the deal.
1. The MASS Device: When World Domination Was One Remote Away
Oh, the MASS Device! Cobra created this game-changing machine that could teleport entire armies across the globe, basically giving them the world’s deadliest (and most inconvenient) teleportation app. They were this close to wiping out GI Joe in one go, but did they? Nope! Instead, they went full Scooby-Doo villain, scattering the energy elements needed to power the device like it was some treasure hunt no one asked for.
By the time GI Joe collected all the pieces and sabotaged Cobra’s plan, the only thing Cobra Commander had left was a bad attitude and a malfunctioning teleporter. The lesson here? If you’ve got a world-dominating weapon, don’t make it operate like a car that only runs on super rare gas.
2. Cobra Island: The World’s Most Mismanaged Real Estate
In a move that sounds like the plot of a really bad reality show, Cobra actually won its own island. Yep, Cobra Island—a tropical paradise fully under their control. This was their chance! They had their own country, an army, and diplomatic legitimacy (okay, that last one’s debatable, but still). It’s like giving the bad guys a cheat code, right?
But instead of focusing on military strategy or, you know, defending their new turf, Cobra used it as the ultimate hangout spot, complete with secret lairs and egos so large they could be seen from space. Meanwhile, GI Joe just walked right in and shut the party down faster than a noise complaint at 2 a.m. So much for geopolitical strategy. Cobra Island: more like Cobra Bye-land.
3. The Weather Dominator: Cobra’s Version of ‘Checking the Forecast’
What’s scarier than Cobra with a superweapon? Cobra with a weather machine that can cause tornadoes, floods, and general meteorological mayhem. The Weather Dominator could’ve been the ultimate doomsday device, allowing Cobra to drown GI Joe in a sea of, well, literal rainstorms and lightning bolts.
But instead of using it to, I don’t know, permanently bury GI Joe HQ under 20 feet of snow, Cobra Commander spent most of the time monologuing and making the world’s most obvious weather threats. “We will rain destruction upon you!” (Really, dude? We get it—you’re mad about a 40% chance of rain.)
Shockingly, after scattering the machine’s parts (again with the treasure hunts!) across the globe, GI Joe pieced it back together and shut it down. Cobra’s entire evil weather agenda was about as effective as yelling at a hurricane to turn around.
4. The Pyramid of Darkness: Where Space Lasers Just Weren’t Enough
A series of space lasers creating a force field to shut down all electricity on Earth? That’s a pretty decent plan for world domination, right? Enter the Pyramid of Darkness, Cobra’s most absurdly named, but arguably effective, scheme. With just a few strategic power cubes placed around the world, Cobra could’ve blacked out the entire planet and finally conquered GI Joe. They even got as far as putting up the force field!
But once again, Cobra went full cartoon villain and underestimated a bunch of scrappy soldiers. Turns out, having space lasers doesn’t matter when GI Joe’s special ops team can ride jetpacks (seriously, jetpacks!) and sabotage your entire operation. Also, note to Cobra: maybe hire some security that isn’t as easy to take down as cardboard cutouts.
5. Serpentor: The Ultimate Bioengineered Ego Trip
In one of Cobra’s most ambitious (and incredibly bizarre) plans, Dr. Mindbender decided to whip up a super-soldier by combining the DNA of history’s greatest leaders—enter Serpentor, the living embodiment of bad leadership decisions. The plan was simple: make a badass general to finally defeat GI Joe. Sounds solid, right? Wrong.
Serpentor turned out to be a walking, talking megalomaniac in a snake-themed outfit, whose leadership skills were about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. This guy’s idea of strategy was yelling “This I command!” and hoping someone followed him. Spoiler alert: they didn’t.
Ultimately, Cobra Commander’s fragile ego (and common sense) kicked in, causing a power struggle that imploded Cobra from the inside. Instead of defeating GI Joe, Cobra got a civil war and a guy in a gold snake suit throwing tantrums. #LeadershipFail
Final Thoughts: How Cobra Perfected the Art of Screwing Up
For a villainous organization with endless resources, Cobra really perfected the art of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Whether it was overcomplicating their own evil schemes, hiring henchmen with the competency of a potato, or building doomsday devices that seemed designed to fail, Cobra’s greatest enemy wasn’t GI Joe—it was themselves.
And while they never quite managed to defeat GI Joe, Cobra taught us a valuable lesson: sometimes, the most epic failures are the most entertaining. So here’s to Cobra, the bad guys we love to laugh at. May your incompetent evil live on forever.
