5 Things You Never Say to a WWE Fan

Every group, every fan base, every collection of people have those things- those things that disturb them each and every time they hear them. Things that outsiders seem to always say. Sometimes it’s out of ignorance, other times it’s just to be an asshole. No matter the reason, the result is the same: A pissed off fanboy. Name a fan base and I’ll list not one, not two, but at least five things you should never say to them.

Here are five things you never say to a WWE fan:

You know it’s fake, right?

We know. we’ve heard this from family, friends, coworkers, ex-girlfriends (damn right, I married the one that didn’t mock wrestling). However, I’ve been asked this question so many times I had to sit down and really think about it.

Yes. Yes, we know its fake. You’re missing the point. People who watch it aren’t watching because they think it’s real. To use terms that aren’t usually associated with wrestling — this is performance art. A very athletic performance art.

We know.

Think of it in terms of the Olympics. Everyone knows what moves will be performed in a figure skating or gymnastics routine. Many times the athlete will reveal, “I’ll do this move, then this one, and that will flow into this one.” Knowing ahead of time what moves are coming does not make any of it “fake”, it’s just scripted. Knowing that John Cena will win a match doesn’t take anything away from the show. What we want to see is how the entertainers perform. We want to see one athlete come out and be more impressive than the last. Then, in unison, we will cheer and clap out things like “This-is-awesome! Clap.Clap.ClapClapClap.”

Oh yeah, plus there are some great, over the top, ridiculous stories that rival the best/worst of all soap operas.

That guy’s still wrestling? He’s old enough to be my grandfather.

See: Ric Flair. Regardless the aged wrestler, the comparisons have been made for years. But it bears repeating: Wrestling is a lot like rock n’ roll. When the Rolling Stones get together long enough to schedule a tour, people don’t chastise them for still being in the game. It’s a tribute. “Look at them! Still able to go out there and rock out. I wish I could do that at their age!”

Yet veteran wrestlers are seen as sad and pathetic. In some ways, I’ll agree. It is sad to see a man who was once a multi-millionaire now scraping by, performing in front of a couple hundred people at bingo halls and armories around the country every weekend. “Why didn’t he save his money?” Well, why did I get to see Warrant for 10 bucks a couple years ago? Cherry Pie was a huge song. Sold millions. Yet there I was, rocking out to a live version of the song 20+ years after it’s release.

So why is that old guy still wrestling? Because there is no feeling like having people chant your name.

What a waste of time/money.

Yes, being a wrestling fan be a drain on your resources. Even more now that WWE is launching their own Network (speaking of, I will write anything for any site willing to pay for my subscription). There are Pay-Per-Views, DVDs, magazines, toys, books, t-shirts and so much more.Wrestling fans love the past – for good or bad.

It’s a full time job to stay on top of the current wrestling landscape. WWE has 8 hours of new material every week, 11 on PPV weeks. Plus two hours of TNA Impact, one hour of Ring of Honor wrestling — and that’s just what’s on cable. Add in all of the smaller groups releasing shows on DVD or internet PPV and we’re looking at 20-30 hours a week of new content, and the financial cost associated. What crazy person would devote such energy?

See also: Every obsessed fan of anything. March Madness is approaching and there are plenty of people who will try to watch every game, many who will take days off form work to watch tournament coverage. Season passes for all major sports are available on most cable systems. Plus, fans buy the official “I’m a ___ fan” mug, key chain, license plate holder, toilet seat cover, booger wiper and more. How else will the random person on the street know your team allegiances?

I hesitate to compare wrestling fans to comic book fans, although there is a huge crossover. So how about movie fanatics? New movies are out every week, plus over 100 years of previous films. Foreign films from around the world. Independent studios. Yet there is no shortage of film students out there who hold their heads high because their obsession is deemed “normal”. Wrestling fans have the same obsession, but wear different clothes (usually a black t-shirt with at least one X for sizing.)

Only morons watch it.

True story: The first time a previous girlfriend told her mom about me, she mentioned that I watch wrestling. Her mother responded, “but I thought you said he was smart.” I have a degree, and I’ve been published worldwide. Yet there is the stigma I fall under of being a dumb wrestling fan. The same people who look down on wrestling fans watch the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo and Drunk Teen Man and Slutty Young Mom, etc.

I would rather watch wrestling every day than one minute of any proper “reality” show. Any idiot can be filmed getting drunk and getting laid. Even the worst wrestler has spent years learning and attempting to perfect a craft. There is skill and artistry to being a professional wrestler. There is no talent to being strung out and showing off your goodies.

[Something] [something] gay.

Basically, [insert homophobic remark here]. For example, “Two men rolling around in front of thousands of people while wearing spandex tights is gay.”

The strange thing is that MMA doesn’t get the homophobic comments as often. Perhaps because it’s legally sanctioned (ie. “real”)? Maybe it has more to do with the ring attire? Maybe it’s the baby oil. Regardless, these are likely the same folks who deride baseball’s age-old congatulatory butt-pat. Sports have had gay undertones since the first modern Olympic games in 1896, and all the way back to the physical competitions between ancient Mediterranean civilizations. Wrestling fans, like MMA fans, are comfortable with physical contact being part of the performance, take your homophobia somewhere else.

READ ALSO: 5 Things You Never Say to a Star Wars Fan | 5 Things You Never Say to an Adult Toy Collector

Kevin Hellions (@TeamHellions) is the creator of Team Hellions. You can find him enjoying everything from 2CW to the Young Adult (meaning comic book) section of the local library.