Ten 80s Cartoon Characters Who Are Impossible to Christmas Shop For

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by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

in Christmas, The 80s

Some 80s cartoon characters are easy to shop for at Christmas time. Skeletor? A reservation for one at Castle Grayskull’s throne room. Yosemite Sam? Mustache and beard balm. Voltron? 10 pairs of comfy wool socks. Dr. Mindbender? A shirt.

Other 80s cartoon characters are much more difficult to shop for at the holidays. Here are ten that would be particularly puzzling:

Man-E-Faces – He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Here’s the problem with Christmas shopping for Man-E-Faces: you never know which of his “many” faces you’re going to be dealing with. What if he’s the robot on Christmas day and you bought for the monster? You could contingency shop for all three, but f*ck that.

Man-E-Faces_opt

 

Gargamel – The Smurfs

Gargamel’s easy, right? Everyone who had a television set in the 80s knows what this guy wants. Problem is, if you put a gift-wrapped helpless Smurf or a map to Smurf Village under his tree for Christmas, that makes you even more evil than Gargamel (a classification previously reserved for bearers of fruitcake and Axe Body Spray gift sets).

gargamel christmas_opt (1)

 

Snake Eyes – G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero

What do you get for the man who has everything (and says nothing)? He wears the same exact thing every day, so clothes and accessories are not an option. Besides the Christmas of 1984 when Scarlett gave him that rad visor and a wolf pup, every other holiday has posed nothing but problems for Snakes’ loved ones.

snake eyes_opt_opt

 

This California Raisin (the one on the far left)

Because he’s already wearing sunglasses and sneakers, and how else can a California Raisin possibly accessorize? It appears pants are unnecessary, and no need for Isotoners, he already has the standard issue raisin gloves.

california raisins_opt

 

The Misfits’ Pizzazz – Jem

Pizzazz was a super-spoiled rich girl, and much of her personality shone through in The Misfits’ various song lyrics. Her selfish antics made bandmates Roxy, Stormer and Jetta look like angels by comparison. The title of one of their “hit” songs, Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! tells you all you need to know when it comes to Christmas shopping for Pizzazz- that Chipotle gift card you got her won’t be enough.

 

The Dinosaucers – Dinosaucers

Super-intelligent dinosaurs who live in a volcano, have advanced weaponry and fly spaceships. Keep your Amazon gift card.

dinosaucers_opt

 

Panthro – Thundercats

You got a spiked suspender guy? Nope. You got a nunchuck guy? Oh you do! Well does he happen to sell a set that has flip-open cat paw knobs that spray chemicals and ball bearings? Hmm. Because there is NOTHING ELSE on Panthro’s list. I hope you have a guy for that.

panthro_opt

 

Grumpy Bear – The Care Bears

Pretty self-explanatory. Grumpy Bear’s been pissed since 1981. Your Buffalo Wild Wings gift card is not gonna change that.

grumpy bear

 

Doctor Claw – Inspector Gadget

Don’t make assumptions about Doctor Claw’s taste in clothing based on one spiky glove. How awkward would it be if you showed up with something from the back wall at Hot Topic only to find him wearing a v-neck sweater and pleated khakis?

Doctor_Claw_opt

And just because you see him enjoying a glass of wine in the image above, I wouldn’t risk it. What if he’s a Cab guy and you show up with a Shiraz? And something tells me that $10 bottle of Barefoot that’s become your go-to gift isn’t quite in line with the Doctor’s tastes.

 

Starscream – Transformers

Starscream wants the same thing this holiday season as every other- undisputed rule of the Decepticons. So he’s easy, right? Nope. Problem with that is the one guy that stands between Starscream and his wish: Megatron.

starscream megatron gif




{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

@eclectik December 8, 2015 at 11:11 pm

And you damn sure couldnt buy Man-E-Faces a hat … what’s with the floor model zenith he has on his head?

I’m thinking ol ‘Mels (Those close to him call him that) could use some … I dont know, bottoms?
The long scoop neck moo moo, might get a little drafty, by the way… whats with the path there in the front? Peanut butter spill?

Remember when the movies got Snakeyes Lips for Christmas?

Looks like all of the Raisins could use some … grapes. #WakkaWakkaWakka

Maybe Pizzazz could use … one . more . pattern

Dinosaucers? I got nothing … much like the time I took to watch it when it was on TV

Panthro does have it all … although, I bet some ear hair trimmers wouldnt be balked at.

Grumpy Bear … the greatest of all bears, needs nothing … wait. maybe an 8-Track of “Horse Outside” by the Rubber Bandits, he’d love the chorus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZ1bBeNK22s

We’ve seen Dr. Claw and he needs a whole new head … im sure his cat, would like him to get some metal hand warmers

Starscream, might need a holster to put Megatron in after he transforms … or a lock box.

Great post.

I could see the following 5 hard to shop for

Orko … he is a nothing.

Snoopy … he sleeps on top of his house, doesn’t speak, and wears no clothes, yet has a plane.

Jabber Jaw … he managed living out of water, what else is there?

The Black Voltron lion … has the head and the penis, cmon!

Inspector Gadget … because it’s in there somewhere

Remember when people read stuff and commented … especially on good witty posts?
Good times.

Reply

Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck December 9, 2015 at 2:47 pm

I DO remember when people commented.. it doesn’t seem THAT long ago, but man how the internet changes.
This comment is in fact better than the post.
Ear hair trimmers would not be balked at!!
Orko is a nothing. I never thought of it that way, you are correct.
Can’t believe the MOTU showrunner never introduced Man-E-Faces’ arch enemy Floor Model Zenith-Or

Reply

Yelinna June 17, 2016 at 11:52 am

Jem, Transformers, Care Bears, Thundercats, He-Man, Smurfs…. they were aired in Latin América too!!
And their respective toys were painfully expensive, so I got none.

Reply

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