13 New Fall Shows That Will Be Cancelled by Christmas

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Red Band Society (Wednesday 9pm Fox)

Set in the children’s ward of a Los Angeles hospital (and narrated by a kid who’s in a coma), Red Band Society is a coming-of-age drama that follows a Breakfast Club -esque group of patients as they such face life-changing (and life-threatening) challenges as cancer and heart defects. Griffin Gluck, Zoe Levin, Charlie Rowe, Astro, Ciara Bravo, and Nolan Sotillo star as the young protagonists, while Dave Annable, Rebecca Rittenhouse, and Octavia Spencer take on the adult roles of the doctors and nurses who mentor them through the ups and downs of adolescence.

Octavia Spencer would have been better off in the Murder, She Wrote reboot she was set to star in, even though Angela Lansbury was trying to c*** block it.

GONE BY: National Crabmeat Day (March 9th)

Selfie (Tuesday 8pm ABC)

Karen Gillan (Doctor Who) drops her adorable Scottish accent to star in this modern spin on Pygmalion that takes place in today’s social media-driven world. Gillan’s Eliza Dooley is obsessed with becoming Internet famous, but her constant Instagramming and Facebooking has left her devoid of any real friends — not to mention the social skills required to make any. Desperate for a fix, Eliza hires marketer Henry Higenbottam (John Cho) to help her rebuild her image and put down her damn phone for once.

If this is a hit, I may lose faith in all humanity. I am sure by the end of the third episode that we learn social media is bad, and we must put down our mobile devices and go out and experience the world. I am okay with that. I just can’t get behind a show called “Selfie.” If this is a hit, Fox is going to greenlight “YOLO”, a mid-season replacement about a group of teens testing their limits in extreme sports. Dan Cortese will star as their mentor.

GONE BY: National Ding a Ling Day (December 12th)

Forever (Tuesday 10pm ABC)

Ioan Gruffudd stars as New York City medical examiner Henry Morgan, who harbors an unusual secret —he can’t die. Working alongside his new partner, Det. Jo Martinez (Alana De La Garza), Morgan studies the dead in an effort to discover the mystery of his own immortality. Also, the ladies in the crowd might want to take note: When Morgan dies (and he dies semi-often for some reason), he always comes back naked. Judd Hirsch, Donnie Keshawarz, and Joel David Moore also star.

The jury is still out on whether or not American audiences like Gruffudd, the UK actor best known for (the last two) Fantastic Four movies. He also starred with Sarah Michelle Gellar in the CW drama Ringer, which only lasted one season. It does have a nice lead in with Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the 10pm competition isn’t that scary, with interchangeable dramas Person of Interest and Chicago Fire. It may come down to whether or not Gruffudd can carry the load. If not, this might be the first one axed.

GONE BY: National Roast Leg of Lamb Day (May 7th)

Cristela (Friday 8pm ABC) *debuts October 10th

Loosely based on comedienne Cristela Alonzo’s life and stand-up routine, this family sitcom opens as the title character enters her sixth year of law school and takes on an unpaid internship at a law firm where she’s frequently mistaken for the help. As she works to get her life and career started, she must also deal with her traditional Mexican-American family, who struggles to understand her ambitions. Carlos Ponce, Terri Hoyos, Andrew Leeds, Sam McMurray, and Jacob Guenther also star.

Back to the Friday discussion- is there much hope for a show to catch on when it’s dumped onto the Friday night schedule? It’s one thing to cross your fingers for a 10pm drama, possibly pulling in the older crowd, but a sitcom? That’s like saying, “We thought we had a home for you earlier in the week, but we don’t. Rent, don’t buy!” No chance!

GONE BY: National Public Sleeping Day (February 28th)

Stalker (Wednesday 9pm CBS)

This violent and shocking thriller from The Following’s Kevin Williamson has already drawn plenty of pre-air criticism, and with good reason. It follows a division of the LAPD that deals with stalkers, voyeurs, and love-obsessed weirdos who target mostly women, often with deadly results. Maggie Q and Dylan McDermott star as our law enforcement heroes who may be more complicated than they seem.

Look at me betting against CBS again! I like my odds. This is the type of show that may have difficulty finding an audience. Some of the early reviews say the subject matter is quite intense, and may turn viewers off. The time slot is wide open though, only facing off against Nashville and Chicago PD, so it’s got that going for it.

GONE BY: National Hug a Newsman Day (April 4th)

State of Affairs (Monday 10pm NBC)

Former Grey’s Anatomy star Katherine Heigl is making her grand return to television, whether you want her to or not. In this political drama, she plays a top CIA attache who’s tasked with one heck of a job: put together a briefing for the president (Alfre Woodard) to assess the greatest threats to national security. And just in case that doesn’t sound stressful enough, she spends what little free time she has hunting down the terrorists who killed her fiancé, who also happened to be the president’s son.

Katherine Heigl is back on TV? Didn’t she want to be a movie star? I wish her well, but this looks like a mess of a show and I doubt her Greys fans will welcome her back with open arms.

GONE BY: National Jerky Day (June 12th)

UPDATE: Now that Christmas 2014 has come and gone, see how we did with these predictions!

Mr. Serious (@chapmanrunner) has been selling his whole life, nowadays he happens to get paid for doing it. His long term goal is to retire young and spend his days watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live and tweeting about “the good old days”. He produces and edits the UnderScoopFire Podcast.

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