Hey Hasselhoff, Bus Seats, Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper – Can We Talk?

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by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

in Can We Talk?

Thanks for checking in for another week of Can We Talk?. That was a statement, not a question. Sometimes I hate that the title of this column ends with a question mark. ONWARD?

 

Hey Hasselhoff – Can We Talk?

NO. NONONONONONO. No.

Justin Bieber Is The New Voice Of KITT From  Knight Rider_opt

That particular headline appeared on MTV.com, and after frantically checking every calendar HOPING I had lost track of time and it was somehow April 1, I had to let the saddest of realities set in: the coolest car in history is about to be voiced by the biggest ass clown in history.

Because of you, David Hasselhoff, that Bieber douche is lending voice talent to our old pal KITT in your upcoming “Killing Hasselhoff” film. The plot actually sounds fresh and entertaining, and when I first read about it I thought it sounded fun. If you’d told me then that there were plans to have KITT in the movie as well I’d have been even more excited. I’m a huge Knight Rider mark (aren’t we all?) and to see you guys reunite onscreen would be so cool UNTIL THIS.

I understand if you couldn’t get William Daniels, the original voice of KITT, since he is 87 years old now, although I bet you didn’t EVEN TRY because he’s reprising his Boy Meets World role on Girl Meets World and he doesn’t even get to play a badass talking Trans Am on either of those shows so of course he would do it. Dammit Hoff. This is worse than a thousand Michael Bays rebooting a thousand beloved 80s properties. I need you to reconsider. Call Bieber and tell him something suddenly came up. You can do it.

 

Hey Bus Seats – Can We Talk?

Ew. Just give me plastic seats.

bus seat

Seriously now, how do people even get that much dirt on their ass to transfer to a seat cushion? Is this a cowboy bus? WAIT is that actually years and years of buried farts rising from their shallow upholstered grave like an army of zombie shit particles? No no, FART GHOSTS. They need that ghostbusting vacuum that Miles had on LOST.

 

Hey Kevin Arnold & Winnie Cooper – Can We Talk?

I heard you guys are staging a Wonder Years reunion at 92Y in October. Paul Pfeiffer is gonna be there too! Even better. No Wayne (Jason Hervey) though. We call him “The Hervaronis” on our podcast. Like “pepperoni” but with Jason Hervey’s name. And plural. Not really sure why, it just sounds funny. But we also have a Jm J. Bullock robot named Porkchop Sideburns on the podcast too, sooo.

Wait, I just Googled him- he’s “JIM J. Bullock” now? Hang on guys.

 

Hey “Jim” J. Bullock – Can We Talk?

What the freak, man? I just Googled your name because I was talking to Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper about you and I noticed it is now “JIM J.” instead of “Jm J.” Bullock. When the hell (and more importantly) WHY the hell did you change it? Was it after you got arrested for crystal meth? Oh wait, did you secretly change it so that people would think Jm J. Bullock got arrested for crystal meth but NOT Jim J. Bullock, a way different and totally never been arrested for crystal meth guy? Either way, I loved you on Too Close for Comfort and Hollywood Squares. I’m not even gonna bring up the weird rape thing. OK bye.

 

Hey Kevin Arnold & Winnie Cooper – Can We Talk?

OK, sorry about that. DAMMIT MONROE I forgot what I was gonna say now. Enjoy your reunion.

 

Hey Whoever at The Onion Came Up With This – Can We Talk?

Nearly 9 years later, and my friends and I still dig up this image periodically to share a laugh. Whoever came up with this, thank you:

onion-laura-bush

 

CWT? is a weekly post by Howie Decker in which we pull aside a few deserving people, places and things and ask- Can We Talk?

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Clarence September 28, 2014 at 9:46 pm

Tell us how you REALLY feel about Justin Bieber?

Well, if he’s KITT in a parody-like manner or as blatant ironic stunt casting, I find it slightly excusable.

The less said about bus seats, the better.

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