I recently watched an episode of The Travel Channel’s Toy Hunter (a great show if you’re into retro toys) and was surprised to see some Love Boat action figures. I’m not sure what kid would want to play with them, but it inspired me and got me thinking about what would happen if they remade the show today.
Love Boat was always known for its weekly guest stars, most of whom were celebrities who were trying desperately to hang on to what little fame they had left. Which modern washed-up celebrities would make the best cruisers aboard the Pacific Princess today? Read on to find out.
We all know that Kirstie Alley has fallen on hard times, and experienced significant weight gain (and yes, weight loss) since her days as Rebecca Howe on Cheers. But how tough have things really been for her? Well, she’s appeared in eight made-for-TV movies since 2001, usually a good indicator of how hard up a celebrity is for work.
Whatever character Kirstie plays on the show, she wouldn’t be taking the cruise looking to find love. No, we all know that the main focus of her cruise experience would be the all-you-can-eat dinners every night. (Too soon?) We can bet that when the Pacific Princess returns to port, Kirstie will disembark weighing a hell of a lot more than when she got on. (Never too soon Brian. -the editor)
What role could the 9th Wonder of the World play on Love Boat? How about sticking to what Chyna knows best (God knows she’s not the greatest actress in the world).
She could play a former professional wrestler who is trying to get away and reassess her life after realizing that she’s not good enough to really wrestle men and she’s not attractive enough to date them.
Remember cute little Andy Keaton? Yeah, I know he helped Family Ties jump the shark (shout out to the #EDP episode 21) and that he’s since become a drug addicted, girlfriend beating, white trash degenerate, but I believe he could resurrect his failed career with one appearance on the new Love Boat.
He should do David Faustino Yoga. It works for old wrestlers!
He could play a stow-away who secretly breaks into other cruisers’ cabins looking for cash and prescription painkillers; that is until he meets the lovely, recently divorced nurse who turns his life around. It could only happen on the Love Boat. Who would play his love interest? Our next celebrity of course.
Who the hell is Emily Schulman? Why one of the most annoying characters in 80s sitcom history of course. She played the stereotypical 80s annoying neighbor, Harriet, on Small Wonder.
Of course, if she’s still annoying on Love Boat, Brian Bonsall could always just push her overboard in the middle of the night and fall right back into a life of smoking crack and sleeping in a pool of his own vomit underneath a bridge. Speaking of homeless men smoking crack, how about a Love Boat comeback from another 80s sitcom star?
Best known as Willie Tanner on ALF, later as the manager of Central Perk on Friends for a couple seasons, and of course Mr. Denby on Norm, I think Max could overcome his demons as a special guest, and maybe even turn it into a regular role. He does kinda resemble Captain Stubing.
your daily dose of Max Wright as the Rancor Keeper
Brian Morin (@bmorin54) is a fan of anything 80s. He hosted an 80s themed radio show while in college which justified his library of over 250 eighties CDs, and currently co-hosts The Walking Dads, a Walking Dead-themed podcast.
Click here for more celebrities hilariously re-cast as the Rancor Keeper.