My apologies for the extended delay between postings, but alas, assisting in the management of a movie theater has its time constraints (and impacts my drive to drink). However, here I am again to write on gaming, however I see fit.
After my last post, I started thinking about different top five lists that would be interesting to gamers. The idea ball got kicked around for a little while until I came up with this little nugget of thought: what E-rated characters have games that deserve M-rated versions? Within mere minutes of tweeting that question, I had a dozen responses.
What E-rated characters have games that deserve M-rated versions?
Hopefully, future hypotheticals will garner more responses as my Twitter and Facebook followers increase. But that success is contingent on those of you that enjoy this website (and my blogs) spreading the good word. So, without further adieu, here are the top 5 E-rated characters with games that deserve M ratings.
- Sonic the Hedgehog
The original Sonic, not subsequent sequels and spin-offs (ugh, trying to make an M-rated game with Tails would be like trying to lick your elbow). All Sonic has ever had to do is spin and jump (and wreck everything in sight if you got all the Chaos emeralds). But that was fun back in the day right? Now imagine Sonic spinning his razor-sharp spikes into enemies, gore and guts flying in all directions. Know what they call that? “Saw.” He can keep the side-scrolling gameplay, but I would want some attacks like Alex Mercer had in Prototype. Please Google some images from that game and tell me Sonic doesn’t deserve his own version of those attacks.
- Earthworm Jim
Dude. Worms have been taking abuse for longer than video games have been in existence. After countless years of torture via magnifying glasses and whatever cutlery a kid could find around the house, Earthworm Jim fought back with a pretty nifty blaster. In my head, an M-rated game features EJ rocking bandoliers, a ridiculously sharp knife and an ear necklace a-la-Universal Soldier. Give him a kill first, ask questions later attitude. Toss in some gore that would rival Gears of War , which I’ve finally started playing. Is that mix hardcore enough for ya?
- Star Fox
I see this as one of those games where you would have Fox go Good or Evil. Let’s face it though, when those kinds of games come out, don’t you want to do all the evil stuff first? If Peppy told you to do a barrel roll and you didn’t want to, you could just bomb him into oblivion. If Slippy asked for help with an enemy, you could just leave him out to dry (I challenge anyone to find one person who liked that stupid frog). Think “Star Fox 64” meets “Dead Space” meets “Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.” If you read that sentence and lacked the imagination to conjure an image or two, I am sad for you.
- Parappa the Rappa
This was one of those characters that I just couldn’t take seriously, but I loved him anyway. It had original characters, like a kung-fu teaching, onion-headed sensei or a moose that teaches Parappa to drive properly. Not to mention the sequenced button-mashing in order to achieve success in the game. It was frustrating as hell back in the day, but that’s when the concept was in its infancy. Today, despite creating some glaring failures in gaming history (hello, Indigo Prophecy), games like this one paved the way for Guitar Hero and Rock Band. An M-rating for this game would have to include Eminem-like lyrics and those very same “Rock Band” controls. I’d want to keep the graphics though. They seem so light-hearted in an E-rated game, but they’d be completely ironic for an M-rated game.
- The Animal Crossing Critters
I’m lumping every character from this uber-kid-friendly game into one slot. They all need revamping in the worst way. If this game were to get an M-rating, it would have to be done in the Grand Theft Auto style. This way, the animals still have you doing jobs for them like the original game did, but instead of collecting berries (or whatever the hell happened in that game), you’re whacking their drug competition or stealing something. Yep, I just thought up GTA with cats and dogs.
One final note: YES, I left out Mario. Those games were fun. They were my childhood. But there is just no way to make an M-rated game about a friggin’ plumber. So he’s out. Sorry. You guys got any more ideas about E-rated characters deserving of M-rated releases?