Hey Drax, Uncle Jesse , Hoverbikes and Wallets – Can We Talk?

by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

in Can We Talk?

It’s Can We Talk? and I’m here to say that I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way (“he loves Fruity Pebbles in a major way”). Let’s roll:

 

Hey Guardians of the Galaxy – Can We Talk?

Seriously, can you do anything wrong? You passed $500 million global box office on Tuesday, Robert Downey Jr. called you “the best Marvel movie ever”, Chris Pratt is officially a superstar, and at least one sequel is on the way. But it’s the seemingly endless goodwill you’ve fostered that has helped create one of the most positive impressions a film has made on society in a long time.

Everyone knows about Chris Pratt and his ice bucket challenges and children’s hospital visits, but now Dave Bautista’s character Drax the Destroyer is being lauded as a positive role model for children with autism. This moving blog post tells the story of a boy who has finally found an onscreen character to relate to through Drax’s inability to comprehend metaphors.

drax gif

If only Guardians of the Galaxy had premiered in Ireland in 1845- there may have been no potato famine. All jokes aside, the film is amazing and it deserves every accolade it receives. We WWE fans normally resent pro wrestlers who leave the business to go “make movies”, but it looks like Dave Bautista is even better at playing Drax than he is Batista. Word is he may be done with the WWE for good now that he’s struck gold here, and I can’t think of a better new home for him than on the Milano with his fellow Guradians. Plus, he doesn’t have to deal with a clunky wrestler-turned-actor name like Dave “The Batista” Bautista.

 

Hey Uncle Jesse – Can We Talk?

Not a reboot, not a reunion, but a full-on return looks to be in the works for your 90s sitcom and TV trope clinic. Are you guys just bored? Children of the 80s and 90s like to “wax nostalgic” about your show, but that doesn’t mean we want new episodes of it. Really. Unless you and Joey are gonna do that sink sprayer and paper towel roll thing on an Olsen twin’s bare ass again- I think we’ve closed every chapter in the story of the extended Tanner family.

You could just do another Super Bowl commercial, that’d totally suffice. Wait, is that it- did Dannon Oikos sales spike so hard after the Full House reunion Super Bowl commercial that you interpreted that as the world clamoring for new eps of the show? We weren’t. Don’t rush out and cast Comet version 2, we just like yogurt. I’ve got an idea: maybe for the next Oikos Full House commercial you could have Kimmy Gibler put Jamie Lee Curtis on blast and talk about how Oikos can also give you big dumps!

 

Hoverbike Inventors – Can We Talk?

Seriously, what could go wrong?

hoverbike

You guys are like the inventor opposite of the no-rape nail polish guys. Those guys are helping people. You guys, wow. Put it this way- if by law I have to wear a helmet to ride an EARTHBOUND version of something, it might be in our best interest as humans to not create a flying version of that thing. My Amazon deliveries are one thing, but I don’t feel like we as a race need to be able to aviate over cornfields and other things that hurt to fall on.

 

Hey Wallets – Can We Talk?

Hey wallets, remember when we used to keep photos of our loved ones in you? Crazy thing is- it wasn’t that long ago, but the concept seems ancient. I wonder if the Jostens and Lifetouch folks hired lobbyists in 2007 to try to get some sort of anti-smartphone legislation passed so they could stay in business, or if they were just like “F*ck it, this iPhone thing is pretty tight!”.

I mean, nobody orders prints of photos anymore, right? I know anytime anyone photogtaphs the kids in a professional setting we just order the CD, since we only want digital versions of their school/Easter Bunny/Santa Claus photos to share online. Facebook is the new living room wall, and the camera roll on our phone is the new one of these:

clear wallet_opt

 

Hey Brian Cranston – Can We Talk?

Hey Brian- I think you just won another Emmy. Bless you.

brian cranston emmy

CWT? is a weekly post by Howie Decker in which we pull aside a few deserving people, places and things and ask- Can We Talk?

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Jason G August 29, 2014 at 11:42 am

I didn’t want Full House in the first place.

The hoverbikes remind me of the Endor speeders in Return of the Jedi. I’m for cool stuff like this but there are just too many powerlines still in play to make them practical for commuting.

I still have to print and mail pics to my folks who are computer ignorant. Once that generation passes away, those kiosks at Walmart will be useless and can slowly drift into technology oblivion like the payphone.

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HowardTheDeck August 29, 2014 at 12:41 pm

They are VERY Speeder Bike-ish. Good call. And yes, when the current grandparents are gone, a lot will change. Crazy how fast things have changed as it is!

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bmorin54 August 29, 2014 at 2:30 pm

The thing I remember about keeping photos in my wallet is that the plastic photo sleeve somehow got dirty. I’m not sure how. My wallet is either always in my pocket or on my dresser. I guess it was from all of those ass first cannonballs I did into sandboxes back in the day.

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Dex August 30, 2014 at 8:33 am

Because what the world needs is a vehicle that goes really fast, several feet above the ground, and offers no protection to the rider whatsoever.

I mean, hell yeah, it’s cool but I probably won’t ride one until I start seeing the kids doing BMX style tricks on them. Then I’ll know they’re a little safer.

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Kevin Hellions August 31, 2014 at 10:28 pm

That paper towel bit is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. I’m going to steal that one and use it around people who don’t read the site. That’s right, keep your gifs I’m after the humor this week!
Also, the GOTG story made me cry.
Also also, He’s The Animal Batista. Also known as poon hound Batista. Kelly Kelly, Melina, and Ariel shut him down then was no longer employed.

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