My Kid is Super Talented, But He’s TERRIBLE at This

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by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

in Funny, The 80s

Listen, I always give credit where credit is due. My seven year-old is incredibly talented at a lot of things. Sure, many of them are your typical, standard issue seven year-old boy talents: he can ride a bike, he reads at an advanced grade level, he can walk short distances without falling down, his vocabulary is impressive, he can sometimes get the pee in the toilet, and periodically navigate 30 minute blocks of time without getting his feelings hurt.

Make no mistake, however: he is absolute shit at creating names for Garbage Pail Kids.

In the modern version of the cult 80s classic Garbage Pail Kids, some new sticker packs come with special “make up your own name” GPK cards. These are a fun way for fans to express their gross and creative side and name these blank GPKs as they see fit. Here’s an example:

hockey stick fart guy

Cool, right? It brings an interactive aspect into Garbage Pail Kid collecting. Once you’ve seen a handful of Garbage Pail Kids it’s pretty easy to get the hang of creating your own GPK names- just ascribe a character trait or adjective based on the visual cues presented, and pair it with an alliterative or rhyming proper first name. For instance, our hockey-based friend above looks like a “Chuck Puck” or “Holey Huey” to me. But hey, that’s just 30+ years of experience with Garbage Pail Kids talkin’. Here’s what my seven year-old named him:

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Hockey Stick Fart Guy. There’s not even a name! Unless he’s going with “Guy” as in the proper name “Guy”, but he’s not. Just Hockey Stick Fart Guy. I hope he realizes that he’s not farting bones and organs out of his back, but instead has been severely impaled by a hockey puck. Way to incorporate “hockey stick” into the name, you know, since he’s holding one. This one’s a whiff, buddy. Step up your game on the next one:

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Fartin’ Booger Legs? Jesus here we go with the farts again. It’s become clear that his primary takeaway from looking through stacks upon stacks of original era Garbage Pail Kids is that a lot of them were fart-themed. I’d venture a guess that there were more barfing Garbage Pail Kids than farting Garbage Pail Kids though, I guess the fart ones just speak to him on a personal level.

I’ll give him the “Booger Legs” aspect of the name, because it certainly looks like our friend here is successfully managing a second set of legs, which are in fact booger-based. Minus points however, for again omitting an actual NAME for the poor guy. Another whiff, you’re 0 for 2 and we should probably stop.

gpk naming

This is my fault. After the first two, I told him to try harder. He clearly went all in on this one.

I feel like we’re getting wrapped around the axle here. Let’s not overcomplicate this. Adjective/name. Adjective/name. You can do this.

Fartin’ Star Die Bomb James though. By the way, I’ve noticed that twice already we’ve gone with the ultra-specific fartin’, like old west style. I get a distinct “Ol’ Die Bomb James, he was the fartin’-est cowpoke in Calaveras County” vibe. But hey, at least this one finally incorporates an actual name. Let’s try again, and this time focus on NOT using “fartin'” as the descriptive term.

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Not impressed.

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Back to the farts I see. Fart Stick Jo? A touching tribute to his grandmother Josephine, who went by Jo, but this one was supposed to be a layup. Dorothy? Wizard of Oz?? Nothing? She’s not even farting and there are no sticks. This is over.

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YES! This one almost kind of works! Except there’s no signature GPK style alliteration (like Wendy Walker) or classic GPK rhyme scheme (like Decomposed Rose) and this looks more like a Brendan than a Brenda. Regardless, Zombie Brenda is a home run compared to Fartin’ Booger Legs. Look at that, we found another talent!




{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Brian (Cool and Collected) July 9, 2016 at 8:11 am

I’d hire that kid. He obviously knows what is important to the 7-year old demographic.

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