Dear Cobra Shareholders:
With this letter, I hereby resign from my position as Commander of Cobra, effective September 22, 2011. This was not an easy decision to make, as I have held this position for 30 years. Since our humble beginnings as a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world, I have truly enjoyed my time as your leader.
I relinquish control of all Cobra subsidiaries and various properties around the world, including but not limited to: ARBCO Industries, Cobra Island, Broca Beach, the Silent Castle, the Cobra Consulate building, the M.A.S.S. Device, the Broadcast Energy Transmitter, and the publishing rights to the entire Cold Slither music collection.
While under my command, the Cobra organization enjoyed economic prosperity and unprecedented employee growth. There were however, many shortcomings with regard to world domination and the defeat of G.I.Joe. I resign with a clean conscience however, under the assumption that these failures would have been sure victories had I been afforded the luxury of a competent staff. I am aware that “the captain must go down with the ship”, but when the ship is full of disloyal, double-crossing, traitorous, gutless yes-men, I must disagree.
Over the years the internal power struggles grew tedious. I encountered challenges that most CEOs would never be faced with. There were countless attempts to both terminate me and replace me, mostly by my trusted advisors and business partners. As leader of a mighty paramilitary organization, it was an honor and privilege to do business with the world’s foremost arms dealer. It was a shame however, that at every turn he attempted to usurp my command of Cobra. Your typical corporate executive doesn’t have to deal with coup attempts led by the head of the copy supply company they work with. Not making excuses, just stating facts.
You know what else is awesome? When you allocate millions of dollars of funding to your research department and your top staff scientist makes a breakthrough in cloning and DNA research, and USES IT AGAINST YOU. Excellent work Dr. Mindbender-you discovered a way to extract the DNA of the most effective military leaders in history! We can create an army of super soldiers to take over the world! What’s that? Oh. You used it to create a new leader for Cobra instead? Class move, dick. Why didn’t I fire him immediately? Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.
Through it all I still believed my legacy was intact. I trusted that history would recall me as a great military mind, a leader of men, and a world-class motivator. Then Hollywood finally made a live-action motion picture about my life, and who did they cast to play me? Some jack-knob from 3rd Rock from the Sun? And no, it wasn’t even John Lithgow. That guy was money in Harry and the Hendersons. No no, it was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. WTF? I can’t wait to see them cast Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Mon*Star in the Silverhawks movie. I don’t know why I trust anyone to do anything right.
As is standard practice, I am prepared to fulfill my obligations and work through my final two weeks. I will be glad to update the board of trustees on all current operations, and if necessary I will help you choose my successor. I would advise against promoting from within because, well… they all suck. Honestly, I think the only one who didn’t try to undermine my control was Scrap Iron. Not exactly leadership material.
I will be available as an independent advisor on an ad-hoc basis. As for my future endeavors, I have a part-time job lined up at the Radio Shack in the mall. They seem to have an excellent employee training program and a sturdy business model.