Christmas Songs Over-Analyzed: Santa Baby

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Well, well, well. It’s been a while. Let’s get caught up.

Previously, on Christmas Songs Over-Analyzed:

There are very few things I do well in this world. Over-analyzing the lyrics of classic Christmas songs is STILL not one of them. Nonetheless, I keep trying. Here we go again!

Formatting note: In the past I’ve transcribed the lyrics line for line and broken down every word. For Santa Baby, I’m just pulling the highlights. Don’t worry, there’s enough excessive greed in these lyrics to fill everyone’s stockings.


 

First question: why? Why, after almost five years are we back here sprinkling our unique brand of judgy nutmeg on yet another Christmas classic? The answer: climate change. Don’t worry, I’m not here to get all Greta Thurnbergy on you. The climate change I speak of is the continuing trend toward bogus, unfounded outrage toward the holiday classic Baby It’s Cold Outside. It’s become the target of baseless criticism by bored individuals who at their core would LOVE for someone like Dean Martin, Gavin DeGraw or Kermit the Frog to beg them to stay for one more drink, regardless of where their maiden aunt’s vicious mind would wander.

So to fire back at these unreasonable critiques, it’s time to fight stupid with stupid. In defense of the charmingly pushy, harmlessly horny, no-means-yes “wolf” of Baby It’s Cold Outside, I present the breathtakingly impatient, shamelessy greedy “awful good girl” of Santa Baby.

Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree,
For me.
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa baby, a 54 convertible too,
Light blue.
I’ll wait up for you dear, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Apparently Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka grew up to be the chick in Santa Baby, except her chewing gum is now expensive cars, luxury watercraft and whatever the fuck a sable is.

Seriously, Google sable– it’s either a a small carnivorous mammal primarily inhabiting the forest environments of northern Mongolia or Brock Lesnar’s wife. Good luck getting either to stay under the tree. But I want it, daddy! Fuck off, Violet.

Think of all the fun I’ve missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed.
Next year I could be just as good,
If you’ll check off my Christmas list.

Emotional and sexual bribery? Check. Here she is basically saying the only thing that prevented her from year-round whoring and avid slutsmanship was the rock solid expectation of unimaginable riches in exchange for her chaste lifestyle.

Buy me a car! Buy me a boat! Get bent, you hoggish carp.

Santa baby, I want a yacht, and really that’s not
A lot.
Been singing angels all year,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, one little thing I really need,
The deed
To a platinum mine,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

LMFAO. A diamond mine. In the first four verses this maniac has demanded a car, a boat, and now her very own endless supply of precious gemstones. All in exchange for the priceless piece of mind that she will NOT carelessly bang every would-be suitor that so much as points his pants in her direction over the course of the year. What a deal!

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex,
And checks.
Sign your ‘X’ on the line,
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s.
I really do believe in you,
Let’s see if you believe in me.

OK, I guess we are doing the whole song. Jesus. I thought the diamond mine was bad, and really it was, but now it’s like hey hook me up with some investment property in case you come to your senses and leave me after this hostile holiday takeover and I need a new source of low-effort income. I can rent the other half of the duplex to some shmuck who probably only got his girlfriend a necklace or Canadian province or something lame for Christmas.

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,
A ring.
I don’t mean on the phone,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
Hurry, tonight.

Wait is she proposing?? OMG of course I’ll marry you, my sweet darling!! Do you have Venmo?

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