Sorry we missed you last week. Oh, you weren’t here either? I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. Let’s begin!
Hey Bud Bundy – Can We Talk?
Word is they are considering a Married With Children spinoff centered around you. Before we talk about that, can I just tell you what I went through to find that cast reunion photo above? It’s from Huffington Post, but my biggest takeaway from a visit there is that I really need to step up my headline game. Here’s a sample of the headlines that eye-slap you today on HuffPo:
- We Have No Idea What This Napping Kitten is Dreaming About, But It Sure is Cute
- Sarah Silverman: I Will Not Have Anal Sex in Front of My Father
- Teen May Get 2 Years for Pic of Fake Oral Sex with Jesus (thanks for clarifying it was “fake”)
OK, now that I’ve taken that out of my backpack, let’s talk to Grandmaster B. That’s right, I respect the game! I never got pleasure from calling you the wrong name like Bass Master, Gas Passer, or anything else Al and Kelly came up with to get under your skin. I was steady taking notes, one Starter jacket short of taking my own Grandmaster persona to high school in an attempt to up my cred. I was willing to try anything, and though your weekly schemes may have failed in the end, at least you’d approach glory before making a fatal and hilarious misstep.
To be honest, I’d kind of love a new sitcom chronicling your life as a dad. In many ways it would play like an Al Bundy prequel: a father with young children, desperately and creatively trying to make ends meet and do right by his family. Like his father before him, he is doomed to fail, and despite earnest efforts and the best intentions, the lack of respect and appreciation from his wife and kids is inevitable. I only ask that you use an original theme song instead of something you won’t be able to get the rights to when you look to put the show’s one season on DVD down the road.
I probably dig this whole idea much more than I should, but I’m still a supporter of deploying established characters instead of trying to reinvent the wheel. You could count me among the enthusiastic when they announced plans for a Vacation movie with Rusty Griswold as the family’s new film patriarch. And although I’ve only caught moments of Disney’s Girl Meets World, I’m all for the concept. (Boy was a little after my time- my generation’s Savage is Fred.)
I think I’ll take this opportunity to wedge a list into Can We Talk?– a list that would normally run on its own if it had a better headline than “10 Characters Who Used to Be Sitcom Kids that Should Get Their Own Show but Now Be the Dad or Mom”. So here are 10 Characters Who Used to Be Sitcom Kids that Should Get Their Own Show but Now Be the Dad or Mom:
10. Theo Huxtable (The Cosby Show)
9. Ben Geller (Friends) (you only need one Sprouse, Disney)
8. Dana Foster (Step By Step)
7. David Healy and Darlene Conner-Healy (Roseanne)
6. Carlton Banks (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)
5. One of the kids that was locked in the basement or attic on Everybody Loves Raymond
4. Six (Blossom)
3. Randy Taylor (Home Improvement)
2. Samantha Micelli (Who’s the Boss)
1. Alex P. Keaton (Family Ties) (stop screwing around and come home, Michael)
Hey Zebra – Can We Talk?
Hey Zebra! Wait! Where ya runnin’ off to? It’s totally cool man, you can hang with us lions. Nobody’s chasin’ ya! We were just about to pop in Three Men and a Baby and order some Domino’s. Parmesan Bread Bites yay yay!
Hey Joe Rogan – Can We Talk?
I think there is an error on your podcast feed. On the latest episode of your show, you “broke the news” that pro wrestling is fake, which made me realize it was probably an old episode from 1989 or something that was mistakenly uploaded to your site as a “new” podcast. I mean, there’s no way you’d still be beating that dead horse, right?
Listen Joe, MMA people looking down their nose at the WWE is like NFL fans who still wag their flaccid fan pickles at baseball fans in 2014, chiding them because their sport is more relevant and less embarrassing to watch. Speaking as an MLB and WWE fan- we get it, and we’re over it. In fact, we’ve taken to calling the WWE “sports entertainment” instead of “pro wrestling” for the explicit purpose of dispensing with ANY possibility that there are any “It’s Real to Me Dammit” stragglers out there. The WWE doesn’t want anyone to think it’s real. Just like you don’t want to return Andy Dick’s phone calls about appearing on his NewsRadio podcast.
Maybe that’s it- maybe MMA guys like you are upset that despite the WWE successfully “outing” themselves as a non-sport, they still share and cannibalize a huge portion of the UFC’s existing and potential fans. I guess I get it- as a Walking Dead fan, I’d be upset if Days of Our Lives suddenly launched a zombie-centric storyline and took away a bunch of Walking Dead viewers. Actually no, that would be rad as hell and I’d DVR the shit out of it. Maybe you’re sore because Ronda Rousey, one of the most marketable MMA fighters is a huge WWE fan and is said to be considering getting involved with the wrestling world somehow. Either way, an MMA fan admonishing the WWE and its fans is kind of a bad look, Joe.
CWT? is a weekly post by Howie Decker in which we pull aside a few deserving people, places and things and ask- Can We Talk?