Ask Mr. Serious: Volume I

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by Corey Chapman @chapmanrunner

in Mr. Serious

This week’s question comes from Jaimiee via Facebook. Jamie asks:


Can god microwave a burrito so hot he himself could not eat it? -Homer Simpson.
Let me know


I could just answer “Yes” or “No” and be done but I don’t think that’s fair to you and quite frankly, it’s the easy way out. After giving it some thought, I don’t think the answer is that simple.

First of all, we need to determine the maximum temperature a microwave could heat up said burrito. Naturally, I turned to Google to provide the answer. According Yahoo! Answers, the consensus is food prepared in a microwave oven cannot be heated up any higher than around 100 degrees Celsius (or 212 Fahrenheit) I read through the all of the scientific lingo to see if there was any mention of burritos specifically, and shockingly, there wasn’t.

So let’s assume after a long day at the office, God doesn’t feel like cooking dinner. On his way home from work, He stops in at his local 7-11, grabs a large Pepsi Slushie, two Slim Jims, and a 99 cent frozen burrito. I imagine He has the power to just blink and have these things ready for him at home, but wants to feel “normal” and feels making a quick public appearance at a convenience store might be good PR. Maybe he will make the next US Weekly: God, He’s just like us! He buys burritos!

So now he’s home, listening to his Michael Buble Pandora channel, and wants to dine on this delicious burrito. The heating instructions call for two minutes on “8”, but God likes em hot, so He challenges His taste buds with a FULL EXTRA MINUTE on HIGH. As the microwave carousel plate rotates like a turntable, God checks his Twitter feed and updates his Facebook status:

About to make this burrito my bitch. #dietstartstomorrow

The microwave chimes its standard three beeps letting The Man know it’s ready for consumption. A sharp mortal would know to let this meat, bean, and rice explosion cool down before feasting on this Mexican delight. But God is not mortal, He fears not. Within seconds of its emergence from the nuke box, He takes his first bite.

“Jesus Christ! That is hot!”

Several seconds later, a young boy races down the stairs.

“You called Dad?”

“No, Son. False alarm. Just a hot burrito.”


Thanks for the question Jaimiee!


If you have a question for Mr. Serious, leave it on our Facebook page, tweet it to @underscoopfire or hit the CONTACT US button on the top left of this page!


Mr. Serious (@chapmanrunner) has been selling his whole life, nowadays he actually gets paid to do it. His long term goal is to retire young and spend his days watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live and tweeting about “the good old days”. He produces and edits the UnderScoopFire podcast.



{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Brian Morin January 11, 2013 at 5:41 pm

That was funny. I hope we see more of these Corey!


Corey Chapman (@chapmanrunner) January 11, 2013 at 8:52 pm

Thanks Brian!

If they questions keep rolling in (inbox empty) I will keep writing!


Brian Morin January 11, 2013 at 10:19 pm

If you were hired to assassinate your choice of 80s characters, who would you choose and how would you do it?


Howie Decker January 12, 2013 at 12:33 am

Nice! Keepin’ the column alive with senseless death!


Corey Chapman January 12, 2013 at 12:36 pm

Cant wait to write this one!

Howie Decker January 14, 2013 at 11:01 pm

This is a great one!


Dante January 12, 2013 at 12:11 pm

Corey, you’re a good sport. The person asking the question didn’t give you much to work with, as they basically intended to deliver the punch line within the question. You took it and ran and made it funny. Kudos. I hope this column continues.

Here’s a question for a possible future volume: If you could spend the evening with one entertainer (and it wasn’t romantic) who would it be, why, and what would you plan?


Corey Chapman January 12, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Thanks for reading (and commenting) Dante! I did say I would answer anything!

Thanks for the question. It will definitely be a future column!


Bryan January 12, 2013 at 2:44 pm

This made me laugh, really softened up His image. He seems like very relatable. I assume it was Buddy Christ that made that cameo? lol I have a question:

How would you be affected by NOT going for a run for a whole year? Could you do it?

P.S. Buble Pandora channel hahahaha


Howie Decker January 12, 2013 at 4:55 pm

God crushes some Mike Buble in his whip


James January 14, 2013 at 10:22 am

“God checks his Twitter feed” awesome. You could do a whole column on his Twitter feed. Very funny.


Corey Chapman January 14, 2013 at 2:17 pm

God’s Twitter feed column…..

I like that idea.


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