Apoca-LIST | 5 Masters of the Universe You Want on Your Side in Case of Apocalypse

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by Howie Decker @HowardTheDeck

in Masters of the Universe, The 80s

Time now for another Apoca-LIST – a weekly examination of how pop culture and entertainment fit in with the end of days.

The odds are against you in an apocalypse. If you’re anything like me, you probably expect to be one of the first to die when the apocalypse-inducing cataclysmic event occurs. However, if you manage to survive long enough to experience full-on apocalyptic conditions, here are five Masters of the Universe you want on your side:


Originally built by Man-At-Arms as a chess opponent for Man-E-Faces, Robot Model 9041 would make an irreplaceable apocalypse ally. Besides always being up for a board game (which I assume would be a primary form of entertainment in a post-internet wasteland), you’d never have to worry about him dying.

roboto underscoopfire.com

Roboto is a cunning strategist, which means you should not choose Risk or Stratego on game night, but more importantly, it means you can ride his robo-coat tails to safety. His emotion program upgrade means he will understand the value of your life and appreciate your companionship. Also, more food for you.



A decade ago, a bow and arrow might have been viewed as an impractical apocalypse weapon. Call it the Daryl Dixon Effect, but in 2014 every apocalypse survival squad worth its salt requires a master archer, you know, for hunting and shooting stuff.

motu bow underscoopfire.com

Bow’s Masters of the Universe character bio says that he’s a “Special Friend who Helps She-Ra”. We could all use the help of a “special friend” in case of the apocalypse. “Special friend” means sex stuff, right? Oh and archery.


Count Marzo

Count Marzo is a wizard with mystic powers that would come in damn handy in case of apocalypse. He has staged strategic and organized uprisings in pursuit of a crown, meaning if he’s on your side, he’d be a powerful ally. Think “The Governor” but with magic.

count marzo underscoopfire.com

You could count on him to establish order and a safe community in which to live. Also, he has all the drugs.


Battle Cat

Gotta have a ride, right? No apocalypse survival inventory is complete without a trusty steed. The advantage of having Battle Cat on your side is that as a form of transportation he requires no fuel, other than a predatory cat-sized portion of whatever food source you’ve found.

battle cat underscoopfire.com

Of course, we’re choosing him based on the assumption that he isn’t going to revert back to Cringer form after some time passes, kind of like the Hulk withers after the shit dies down. If Battle Cat requires a recurring Power Sword jolt to be transformed, this would render him useless. Cringer is more liability than asset in apocalypse conditions.



Listen, I’d be an idiot if I chose five Masters of the Universe that I’d want on my side in crisis time and I didn’t make one of them He-Man. The guy is the most powerful man in the universe, and to this day he’s never been thoroughly defeated. I’d be an even bigger idiot if I chose him over his super hot sister who has all of the same abilities and equally sparkling track record. Did I mention she’s super hot?

she-ra underscoopfire.com

thinkin ’bout that hot end-of-the-world sex


top image via Rowsdowr

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Kevin Hellions June 2, 2014 at 10:27 pm

Who else wants an all She-Ra cast version of Hunger Games now?


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